November 26, 2021

Trigger warning: Discussion of eating disorders

Thanksgiving: a supposed day of feasting, celebrating, and discussing varying updates in the lives of both friends and family. More importantly, Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays, as my family and I always go to a family friend's house. We all go around saying what we're most thankful for; one or two people give speeches at the dinner table, while we subsequently play numerous games that my mom always likes to brag that she “created” (it’s usually a different rendition of charades or pictionary). Oh, but how could I forget about the endless, mouth-watering food lined up in the kitchen! Name a food, and we probably have it. Personally, I consistently loved getting a little bit of everything: the brussel sprouts, sweet potato mash, stuffing, green beans, cranberry sauce, and, of course, the turkey. Yet, I’ve always had a sweet tooth for my favorite: pumpkin pie. I always ended the night with a whole plate of however much pumpkin pie my heart desired.

Last year was different, though. I was in recovery for anorexia nervosa, and I was determined to have a normal Thanksgiving. However, something inside of me still wanted to control my portions. The rules that I restricted myself to controlled what I put on my plate: no carbs, minimal oils, no sugars. What did that leave? Brussel sprouts and turkey. All of dinner, I tried to calculate how many calories entered my body, thereby ultimately comparing everyone else’s portion size to my own. I was losing the battle to an ED. I went to bed so disappointed and exhausted from the commanding voice in my head, dictating that I could not eat the food that I wanted, even on my favorite holiday.

I wanted to prove to myself that I had the power over my ED. Right before going to bed, I tiptoed downstairs. I uncovered the aluminum foil, unveiling the half-eaten, perfect pumpkin pie. I grabbed a fork from my silverware drawer and began eating the rest of that pie one bite at a time. Pumpkin pie had never tasted so good.

So, how did I do it? How did I stop caring about the portion sizes, the “diets,” and all of my self-created rules that restricted my eating everyday for just this moment in time? 90% of it was how much I missed the taste of pie, but here are my top tips for getting through this holiday season. (Though, I understand this journey might look different for everyone.)

1. Food can be a tool to connect individuals; do not let food tear you apart from those you love. This holiday season, make it your priority to make memories. Sit next to someone who will make you laugh throughout the meal, or someone who will make you forget about any pressures you may feel. 

2. Remember one meal is not going to change how you look, but it may shift your mindset with food for the better. Have a family member make a plate of food for you and accept being uncomfortable with this lack of control. 

3. A more rewarding feeling of control stems from challenging the voice in your head telling you to restrict, not from hitting a daily calorie intake. Add an extra scoop of your favorite side – I’ll be taking two extra scoops of stuffing.

4. Restriction can make you feel isolated and unfulfilled. Through allowing yourself to eat what sounds good, you can effectively bring yourself back to the present. Take deep breaths, and remember where you are and how far you have come.

5. Be proud of yourself for showing up and trying – the holiday season can be so hard. Take pride in the fact that you tried.

6. Just eat the pumpkin pie. It tastes too good to miss.