NEDA Week: My Eating Disorder Story
February 26, 2023
Author: Lily Lev
Editor: Lynn Sabieddine
For my seventeenth birthday, my grandma got me a book entitled, “This is 18.” The book describes how women across the world experienced their eighteenth year of life and the dreams they had for their futures. Since I was four years old, my dream for my eighteenth birthday was to go skydiving with my dad. And yet, less than a month into turning 18, I was on bed rest in the hospital, connected to three cords and an IV, getting blood drawn daily, and had a feeding tube giving me nutrition.
Anorexia nervosa.
National Eating Disorder Awareness week is February 20-26, 2023. Eating disorders impact 28 million people in the United States, killing over 10,000 people each year, and these numbers are dramatically increasing during the pandemic as the illness thrives in isolation. Despite common misconceptions, only 6% of people with eating disorders are medically underweight, and the illness can impact anyone regardless of age, race, and gender. There are many types of eating disorders, with the most common being anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge eating disorder.
In my recovery from anorexia, I’ve realized that spending my life focused on shrinking my body went against everything I valued and cared about. When opening my acceptance letter from the University of Michigan, my dream school since I was five years old, rather than experiencing overwhelming excitement, all I really felt was the need to take a nap because I hadn’t eaten yet that day.
I have now promised myself never to experience that feeling again. Instead, I want to be the fullest, most energetic, and empathetic version of myself that I can be. I’ve recovered for four-year-old Lily, who had a deal with her dad to go skydiving (and trust me, it was worth it). I’ve recovered for eight-year-old Lily with ice cream smeared across her face, smiling so wide because she knew she had the potential to make her life anything and everything she’d ever imagined. And I’ve recovered for eighteen-year-old Lily, who has realized that while the world is a complicated place, by being at her best self, she can make an impact in a large way.
What my eating disorder stole from me:
Time. Life is better when you're out with friends or taking a hike rather than lying in your bed all afternoon because your body is trying to keep you alive while you fail to give it enough energy to do more than that. Deep in my ED, walking two minutes between classes in my high school felt like a chore. I was running on two energy drinks and a coffee a day and still struggled to even sit at my desk working. When scrolling through Instagram, even double tapping to like a photo was too much exertion.
Joy. My one big goal in life so far has been to get into the University of Michigan. For every test I didn’t want to study for and debate I didn’t want to participate in, I pushed through for the hope of maybe getting into Michigan. January 29, 2022, should have been the happiest day of my life; opening my acceptance letter surrounded by my parents (Michigan alum) and brother. But, instead, I was shaking from dizziness and lacked any emotion at all.
Warmth. Physical warmth (I was always freezing), but also gratitude and appreciation for my friends, family, and entire support network. All I focused on were the superficial parts of life and not what truly brought me satisfaction.
Control. The eating disorder forced me to believe that I was in control. But in reality, I was constantly chasing control; it was always just out of grasp.
Image: Ava Edwards
