Translating Carpe Diem
March 4, 2024
Writer: Anonymous
Editor: Jessica Doyel
This is something that I’ve been wanting to write. But, it’s more than that. It’s something that I’ve needed to write. “I call dibs on the movie rights,” you said. “Alright, well I’m going to write a book about it first,” I responded, jokingly. Well, half-jokingly on account of the fact that here I am... writing about it.
In June, my friend and I went to a water lantern festival. The sunset that night was absolutely gorgeous and the pink colors of the clouds dissolved seamlessly into the dark blue horizon of the lake. We were sitting on a beach towel that was courageously protecting us from the sand and just talking. Shortly after the sun had set, we watched as strangers walked by to place their lanterns in the lake. At some point, a couple caught my attention...
the girl was holding his hand and they looked at each other with an intensity that i have never experienced
i just knew they were in love
i could visibly see it
in the way that she was pulling him forward and he was following
he was in awe of her and she adored him
i turned to my friend only to find that she had noticed it too
and my suspicions were confirmed
In July, my name was prefaced by one of the worst words in the English language. He said “Goodbye, _______” and I thought that it was tragic that after a year of saying “I love you,” the relationship ended with my name... alone. After that conversation, I constantly fought the internal battle of not reaching back out to him. I allowed myself to think about what his responses would be to the things that I wanted to tell him — people become incredibly predictable when you spend enough time with them. “My dog doesn’t have much time left,” I would say, “I’m on pins and needles. I love him so much and I hate that I am losing two pieces of my heart at the same time.” Little did I know, I would lose both of my childhood dogs this month and there was nothing he could have possibly said.
sometimes i find that when i cry i am suddenly holding my breath
trapping every feeling somewhere between my lungs and the rest of the world
in these moments, my mind unintentionally sabotages my ability to live
deeming that self sacrifice is my moral obligation
because i feel like if i exhale
the entire world would implode
In August, you came into my life like a hurricane. It wasn’t intentional at first, you went through a tragedy and I made the decision to stand beside you and support you in every way I knew how. I accidentally took on your pain and felt it in my own way. I suddenly struggled to cope with what had happened, and I found myself looking to you for reassurance that you were simply incapable of giving.
my mind is haunted by whispers of the romantic things you said
memories of moments that we spent together that you choose to no longer acknowledge:
driving down the highway you reached for my hand
in the background, “birds and the bees” by dexter and the moonrocks plays over the radio
“my dad once said that if you want to hold their hand,
then it’s a safe bet that they want to hold yours.”
you later walked into my room and picked up the roses you had given me the week before
tying a string around their stems you explained
“if i hang them upside down, they will maintain their color
and then you can keep them forever.”
In September, unbeknownst to me, I was in the eye of the hurricane. But, by October, the direction of the winds reversed. Suddenly my name was followed by “Goodbye” all over again as you turned around and walked out of the door. I later came to realize that I had put all of my effort into helping you. Then, without you, I faced a sort of emotional whiplash that forced me to learn how to be there for myself, not just for other people. My friend explained that it is the same as what they tell you on an airplane: when the cabin pressure changes, put your mask on first so that you are then able to help others who need it.
there is a moment of bliss that occurs between dreaming and waking up
my mind comes alive but has not yet sorted through my thoughts and memories
it is as if the sandman swept through the house and knocked everything off of the shelves
in the brief time that it takes to put things back in their places
there is a deep sense of peace
but it is called a “moment” for a reason
before i can appreciate the calm
i pick up the last picture frame and place it on the shelf
there is a crack across the surface of the glass
and it is more than enough to remind me of the previous days i have lived
some nights i procrastinate falling asleep because i don’t want the heartbreak of forgetting
only to remember again
but the moment of bliss
is also a reminder that i get another day to live.
In November, I learned that when it rains it pours. So, by December, I found myself contemplating the literal translation of “carpe diem.” In high school, my Latin teacher explained that “seize the day” is only one of multiple translations. Other potentially more accurate translations include “harvest the day” and “pluck the day.” The word “seize” implies a lack of consideration for tomorrow; it acts as a motivator to spend today doing what will make you the happiest because, after all, tomorrow is not guaranteed. Translations including “harvest” and “pluck,” however, urge that you live today to the fullest, while working towards a better tomorrow. I have been struggling with which translation to follow — on one hand, the past six months have proven to me that tomorrow really is never guaranteed, and on the other hand, I am now extremely determined to create the best possible version of myself.
the last time i was in this house, i was a different version of myself
she made decisions based on what was in her best interest, even if they were the harder choices
she was more vibrant and confident
yet, the last time i was in this house i wasn’t alone
i opened the door to a place i had never been
but you were there, so it wasn’t scary
it was new and exciting
today i returned to that house
i thought about you and how i no longer was that version of me
i opened the door to a place that i had been before and i walked in alone
to prove to myself that she wasn’t me because of you
she was me because of me
you were just lucky enough to be there
