Take Up Space, Exist Loudly
October 14, 2024
Writer: Violeta Neuman
Editor: Chloe Cardello
The curtain rises and there I stand, front and center. It’s the scariest part of the stage, but simultaneously the place everyone wants to be. Here, the spotlight shines the brightest, every move is illuminated, the audience, demanding perfection. One mistake starts the whispers and gasps, making it feel like the world's end. I find myself in my most vulnerable state, moving through memorized patterns, yearning for the audience's attention, my gaze on the floor, battling the urge to retreat from the intensity of it all. Yet, through the pressure I can’t help but feel the undeniable thrill of it all. It's a paradox really–wanting to be seen yet afraid of truly being seen. I make myself small, undermine my abilities, hide in the curtains. Why? Maybe it’s the social norms ingrained in us as we grow, needing to disguise our authentic selves, keep opinions to ourselves. So how do we take up the space without feeling guilty or self-conscious?
A dance teacher in high school once told me that there is a space in the world specifically carved for each person. An empty void that only you can fill. You can’t fill it by pretending and you most definitely cannot halfway fill it. You strive daily to fill each small corner and crevice by being unapologetically yourself. If you don’t fill it it's like there's a gaping hole in the world, something is missing, that only you can fix. I remember the first time this idea truly hit home for me. After ballet one day my strict Russian teacher told me “I can tell you are holding back, don’t be afraid to be seen.” Her voice was firm but not unkind. I worked so hard to get the perfect technique that I forgot to actually dance. You can have all the skill in the world but if you lack the presence, everything will be forgotten the moment the curtain falls. After this, I started walking into ballet with a different intention. I danced for myself and I felt proud of myself after leaving class for not obsessing over perfecting every step. It wasn’t always perfect, but it was real, and it was me trying. I know it sounds cheesy, but if you approach your days with this idea of a space existing only for you, it allows for a lot of self-reflection. This space is intimidating and can be frustrating. We choose to shrink, make ourselves small. We hide in the back of rooms, don’t raise our hand when we know the answer, never sit in the front and compromise more and more of ourselves every day. But, we learn by doing, and by changing small bits of your day you can avoid the shrinking pattern.
Obviously, it’s easier said than done, and it’s important to realize that this mindset does not happen overnight, you can’t just wake up one day and automatically fill in each missing part. It takes time, effort, and reflection. Beginning with your physical body, whether you feel it today or not, your body is deserving and capable of love. Your worth is not determined by your looks or societal demands. The way you exist at this moment is enough. If you don’t show up for yourself, speak up, and embrace your personality, you are hiding the world from something irreplaceable.
Start slowly, make efforts each day to be more present in different spaces. Identify what is holding you back, whether it be self-doubt, guilt, or fear. By acknowledging these barriers you can start taking small steps towards your goals. Raise your hand when you know the answer, sit in the front of the lecture hall, don’t stare at the floor while you walk to class. No one should be a background character in their own life. The world needs you–exactly how you are. Take up the space and exist loudly. Live to your capacity. When the curtain comes up, before you shift your gaze down, look around and realize you are not alone on stage, there is space for everyone. Now when I get the chance to be front and center, I own it, I know I deserve the time under the spotlight.
Image: Isabella Saunders
