Screw It - Everything’s Embarrassing
November 4, 2024
Writer: Chloe Pehote
Editor: Sophie Graff
For the sake of raw, authentic writing, I must admit that a major “thorn” of my semester has been navigating self-confidence issues in relationships – particularly when said relationships spoil. While the outgrowing of people throughout life is inevitable, these “expiration dates” in early adulthood seem to be getting uncomfortably shorter and increasingly harder to navigate, given the inconsistency of dating and the peer-pressured casualty of sex in college. At the hands of this unfortunate reality, I cannot help but feel pessimistic; as if the willingness to be vulnerable – to share experiences, emotions, and feelings – is an unavoidable condemnation to an impending hell of self-doubt.
The bright side is that breakups are entirely unremarkable experiences; people of every age, occupation, and perceived level of conventional attractiveness have experienced or are actively experiencing some manifestation of a breakup. To make things even better, it is likely that the average person will experience a handful of breakups throughout their life, and whichever one they are enduring in that moment of consuming self-doubt and depression isn’t even the worst one to come. Yay!? While that may sound harsh, embracing the sense of community associated with the end of any relationship does make the reality more palatable.
Once you embrace this newfound community, it will seem that people in every corner of the world have an answer or an anecdote for the consuming self-doubt, depression, and insecurity. They will jump at the chance to hold your hand, stroke your hair, and tell you that you are perfect and time heals all. While this is extremely helpful, it ignores the most uncomfortable symptom of lacking self-confidence at the end of a relationship: embarrassment. Years of consuming romantic comedies, repetitive conversations with girlfriends, and binge-watching trashy breakup videos on YouTube failed to prepare me for the harsh fact that once a relationship ends and you manage to get over the initial heap of solitude and depression, the return to daily festivities often presents a persistent sensation of embarrassment.
The feeling manifests differently for everyone, and often is something that the breakup community neglects to discuss openly due to its association with some serious ego death. However, if you ever find yourself post-breakup wondering if everyone around you is gawking at you like a wounded animal rejected to the side of the road, you are most definitely not alone. I find that the experience in and of itself is a persistent juggling of trying to get yourself back on track while avoiding what feels like a minefield of insecurities; often accompanied by the pressure to make sure that you are “playing the break up right.”
“Go out and have fun, but don’t look desperate. Get over them quickly, talk to someone new, download dating apps, hang out with their friends, but don’t be a slut, don’t text them and tell them you miss them, but it's okay and funny to do if you’re drunk. Don’t talk about them at all to their friends, you shouldn’t care if they’re doing okay…blah blah blah.” There are a million “right” and “wrong” ways to behave socially while simultaneously trying to help yourself, and if you happen to slip up, well, that's just embarrassing.
The larger point of this piece, beyond the oversharing and a terrifying peak into my inner monologue as of late, is that anything and everything that you give enough attention to can and will feel embarrassing. At large, embarrassment is a social construct of identity hyperawareness and the biological need to adhere to whatever behavior is likely the most “socially acceptable.” Grappling with the feeling of rejection or instability in any social dynamic is enough pressure. However, choosing to prioritize acceptance and feeling “cool” over personally beneficial decisions may be more self-sabotaging than productive.
With that being said, the most important note that I would like to leave you with is that embarrassment is entirely subjective. No textbook or guide lays out the best steps to take when navigating the culmination of any sort of relationship. In terms of navigating persistent anxiety surrounding your place in the world, you are likely more hyper-aware of your feelings of rejection than anyone else in a crowded room. While it may feel as though you should adhere to the “player,” “nonchalant,” and “miss movin’ on” archetypes that have become the epitome of “having your life together,” I can assure you that it is far more rewarding to take the road less traveled and choose authenticity. After all, in the grand scheme of life, it is better to sacrifice your pride rather than live with the regret of unspoken feelings and heartache. So if that means sending a heartfelt text while sober rather than a slurred message after a few drinks, then do it - at least you will feel better afterward.
Image: Chloe Sinel
