Probably Sleeping

December 2, 2024

Writer: Eve Collon

Editor: Carly Schneider


For as long as I can remember, life has always been me versus sleep. Whether I am falling asleep at the corner of a bar in New York City on a summer Saturday night, or in the middle of a conversation with a friend, I somehow always fall victim to my somnolence. I sometimes view fighting my drowsiness as a game — but not a fun one. This game is called narcolepsy, and it is constantly making me feel like I am always the loser. 

I was always told that being tired was part of the teenage experience, that I was stressed from school or overworked from athletics. Nobody seemed to believe the weight of what I felt. For many years of my life, I assumed that finally reaching a diagnosis for my random sleepiness would solve my worries. However, this assumption was far from what I know now. Yes, receiving a diagnosis was helpful in certain ways: my insurance finally approved a medication that helped me make it through the day and the aggressive medical confusion has somewhat dissipated. Despite this, I still find myself at constant war with my body, fighting to find any ounce of energy that might be tucked away. 

I have never been one to take life too seriously and for this reason, I am able to make jokes about this condition. To give you an idea, my private story on Snapchat is titled “narcolepseve.” Making light of the physical symptoms that throw obstacles in my daily life helps turn the obvious negative into a positive. Despite this, those negative physical symptoms are always creeping up behind me like a shadow and, unfortunately, always will. I appreciate when other people can crack jokes about my random habits regarding sleep, but I also appreciate the recognition that a mindless task for the person standing next to me might be something that I have to muster up the last sliver of energy to do. Something as simple as having a conversation at night could result in me slipping into REM sleep without realizing it. With friends or family, I feel no shame in falling asleep mid-conversation, but as you can imagine, waking up to the shock of not remembering what happened prior is embarrassing and rattling. 

Adequate sleep is my number one priority and, if you know me, you know that I will sacrifice almost anything to get good rest. Recharging our bodies is essential to carrying out the amazing tasks that we achieve. Even though my body feels as though it can only hit 40 percent, it is still better than being at zero. Sleep is important in my life and should be a luxury that everyone values. If your personal energy level can reach 100 percent, I push you to take advantage of that extra 60 percent that I lack. 

Oftentimes, I receive feedback that displays the idea of the grass being greener on the other side. I have been able to relate this to sleeping habits directly — insomniacs wish they had narcolepsy and vice versa. It can be frustrating to hear that someone else wishes for a condition that makes my life increasingly challenging. Belittling an invisible struggle is something that I wish more people were aware of, but I understand that this slips out without intended harm. Life isn’t always fair, and sometimes you have to work with the cards you’ve been dealt, even if those cards happen to make you extra tired.

Image: Erin Lee

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