From a Caterpillar to a Butterfly
February 14th, 2025
Writer: Ryan Carter
Editor: Talia Kohn
One of the questions I get asked most often is “What is that on your leg?” “Is that a birthmark?!” The questions and surprise usually stem from my birthmark on my left upper thigh resembling the shape of a butterfly. For me that mark on my skin isn’t just a birthmark, it is a symbol of my Nana.
My Nana is the epitome of happiness and life. She had this magnetic energy that would draw everyone’s eyes to her the second she walked into the room and would be there for anyone, whether she knew them or not. She always told me she gifted me that butterfly when I was born–that while my mom was pregnant, she would kiss my mom’s stomach. So when she saw me and my little birthmark of a butterfly, she knew it was a sign I would always be her little butterfly. But little did she know, she was the butterfly teaching me - her little caterpillar - how to live life like her.
In 1975, my Nana first got diagnosed with breast cancer. She had just given birth to my mom and was only 22 years old. While most people might feel overwhelmed with fear after receiving such devastating news, my Nana didn’t let it define her. As a young mom with a brand new baby, she decided to live her life to the fullest all the while battling and BEATING her cancer. She went on to model, become a therapist, and travel worldwide, immersing herself in different cultures, and impacting thousands (I’m not exaggerating) of people who constantly talk about her. But what made her my favorite person wasn’t just her incredible accomplishments - it was the way she lived: fearlessly, fully, and lovingly.
If you know me, you know I have a horrible memory; yet, you could recite facts and details I’ve told you about my Nana as if you knew her. Her memories don’t just stick with me, they encapsulate me. You know how she was the only person who could calm me down by making me lay on the ground and look up at the clouds. You know she could cure my sickness and headaches by “tapping” on my head (something that sounds so unrealistic, but always worked). You know that the gold aura I try to embrace stems from her saying she would wrap a gold ball around me while traveling so I would get to places safely. And you know that no one will give me a better hug than the embrace of her tall, strong body, smelling her sweet rose perfume as her crinkly, gorgeous red pixie hair would scratch my face. You know her if you know me.
So when she passed away in 2018, I felt like I lost a part of myself. She had written notebooks for me and my family, but I could never bring myself to read them. For months, they just sat there, untouched, until one day when I had an anxiety attack, I finally opened mine. Inside, I saw her sweet, but messy handwriting instantly bringing her voice back to me:
“I leave you with choices. Pick PEACE. Pick JOY. Pick loving and being loved. Do the best you can, and don’t get attached to how things turn out… TRUST LIFE” signed with her signature butterfly.
Read that again if you need. I do, constantly. This is the quote that takes me through life every day. She lived with cancer for years, yet never got scared because she trusted life. Sometimes things don’t turn out the way we want, sometimes people we love get hurt, and sometimes we get hurt, but my Nana would feel these feelings, release them, and then move on happily.
It’s hard to embrace, but in order for me to become a butterfly like her, I carry her wisdom with me every day, living life as she told me – trust it, no matter how it unfolds. And as I continue to grow, I know that one day, I’ll transform into a butterfly, just like she always believed I would.
I love you forever Nana <3
Photo Credits: Carly Gessell
