The Mosaic of Me
December 15, 2023
Writer: Sree Panicker
Editor: Kaylynn Young
When I get ready to go to class, I follow a general procedure. There’s usually music playing, and it’s probably something by Bad Bunny, who was introduced to me by my best friend and roommate, Naveen. Lately, I’ve been using (and loving) the Makeup by Mario lip serum, which was given to me as a gift by one of my other best friends, Safiyah. Sometimes, I even like to put some eyeliner on my waterline, something my mom taught me how to do when I was a child. I’ll usually scramble around for my keys, during which I almost always hear my dad’s disapproving voice in my head. This is usually followed by turning on my phone and tracking them using the AirTag he got me for this specific reason. And like clockwork, I’ll find them, smile down at the little initials and heart he so sweetly got engraved on them, and head out the door.
I had always hoped that at some point along the way of my journey through college, I would finally reach a moment where I “found myself”. I looked forward to the safety and security that lay in knowing objectively who I was and cultivating those traits for the rest of my life. I thought that in order to find myself, I had to embark on a massive odyssey of some sort, full of isolation and introspection á la Henry David Thoreau.
As I would soon find out, college life can really clash with one’s journey of self-discovery. The time I was supposed to spend deeply analyzing the entirety of my being was often occupied by laughing with my friends, annoying my roommates, or going to extracurriculars. In other words, the part of my life I had thought would be the peak of my independence, was actually the most socially vibrant I had ever been.
Eventually, I let go of this idealistic outcome of the fully self-realized person I expected to morph into, and rather started to focus on the process itself. Instead of spending my time reflecting on how my life defines me, I actually went out and experienced it. I began to realize how deeply all sorts of love permeate throughout my being. Every single aspect of my life has been influenced by a loved one in some way or another, from the music I listen to to the clothes I wear. Unearthing who I am doesn’t mean that I need to embody the essence of originality and individuality. Instead, it’s truly noticing all the love around me. Our connection with others only strengthens the connection we have with ourselves.
In a way that I didn’t expect, I inadvertently achieved my goal of finding out who I am. I am my grandmother’s eyes, my best friend’s borrowed clothes, and my little brother’s sense of humor. We are all products of the generations of love that culminated into our creation and we experience life through the lens of those we love every day. By identifying with the love in my life, I eventually ended up identifying with the person I am.
