Am I 20 or 15 Still?
February 14th, 2025
Writer: Auburn Marriott
Editor: Liv Bennis
I like to think I am a very different person from when I was 15-years-old, but sometimes I still feel like the sad little girl walking through life with a constant dark cloud over her head. For a lot of us, and for me, being a teenager meant showcasing the worst version of myself. I often question, even though I am now 20 years old; why do I revert sometimes to feeling like my 15-year-old self?
I applied and transferred to the University of Michigan in the Fall of 2024 from Los Angeles, California on a spur-of-the-moment circumstance. I never planned to move 2,500 miles away from the place I have lived for over a decade. I toured UofM in February 2024 and this visit solidified it was the place I wanted to be. When I finally got to campus in the fall and started classes, the experience was severely overwhelming not knowing where the buildings were or how to navigate the campus. I saw and met people who were more successful in 18 years of living than some adults and this petrified me. I never truly understood the meaning of “imposter syndrome” until I came to Michigan because while I was confident I had done some interesting things in my college experience, nothing I had done felt comparable to anyone at UofM.
I talked to my amazing mother about how I was feeling and this new-found phrase, “imposter syndrome,” and she told me that I sounded like my insecure 15-year-old self. At first I was very offended because that time period was a terrible time filled with self-destruction. Remembering that age brought back memories of bad decisions, comparing myself to others, and depression to the point of spiraling. However, my mother saying those words to me brought clarity to how I was feeling and I realized I did sound like 15-year-old Auburn. In the past, I continuously compared myself to everyone and everything to find fault leading me to feeling less about myself. I sat with my thoughts for quite a while but ultimately came to the conclusion that I did not know why my mind was taking me down this road, but I was going to change directions.
I am now a second-semester junior at UofM, and I think about this conversation quite a lot. In just a short period I have developed a routine of telling myself every day I am here for a reason and I earned the right to walk along with everyone here. Every student who has had the amazing opportunity to attend this University has gotten in for a reason, and I am one of them. I am finally starting to feel like a successful, confident 20-year-old woman who couldn't be further from who I used to be at 15 years old.
A lot of students at UofM feel this overwhelming feeling of imposter syndrome, but we all deserve to be here. As hard as it is not to compare your successes, looks, clothes, wealth, and so much more to other people, it is a harder way to live when you let comparison steal your joy. Sometimes the successes we make within the four (or two in my case) years of being make these old feelings roll in, but I have come to learn that I only feel that because all these accomplishments are so far outside of what I thought I could ever accomplish. We are all just now unlocking our potential and thankfully, we are no longer 15.
Photo Credits: Erika Petterson
