Maybe We Should All Talk To Someone
December 4, 2022
Writer: Molly Fischman
Editor: Hannah Ostfield
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
- Lori Gottlieb, Maybe You Should Talk To Someone
My favorite books are those that challenge my assumptions. Maybe You Should Talk To Someone by Lori Gottlieb does just that. I started the book with two false assumptions: first, that I didn't need a therapist — that I was doing just fine — and second, that therapists don't need help confronting their problems — they are experts in managing complicated relationships and dynamics. Within the first few pages, Gottlieb taught me that both of my assumptions were false, and I had a lot to learn about therapy.
Throughout the book, Gottlieb intertwines her experiences with therapy with the help and advice that she gives to her patients. The book begins with Gottlieb grappling with her heartbreak, and how like many of her patients, she needs somebody else to turn to. A friend of hers recommends Wendell, a therapist which made Gottlieb incredibly skeptical at first. However, she quickly realized that she needed Wendell more than she could have ever imagined.
Gottlieb discusses and de-identifies four of her patients. Each patient brings a different persona and unique history to the table, and each chapter marks its progress in weekly sessions. The book then shifts to show how Lori’s patients' issues reflect her own struggles. Both Wendell and her patients remind her of the importance of therapy and talking to someone.
In addition to my fascination with how a therapist works with patients, and gets help with their own problems, this book helped me to reflect on what I needed most. While I was always a proponent of mental health, I never envisioned myself as someone who needed a professional. In my relationships, I usually took on the role of “the therapist.” I’ve always been the go-to for advice when my friends and family needed it. I always assumed that therapists were reserved for people who had “real” issues and problems, and not for someone like me. Even nowadays, mental health — and therapy — are still taboo, and I felt somewhat nervous that I might be “crazy” enough to need to pay someone to fix my problems. Despite all of my assumptions, I started to talk to a therapist.
Gottlieb taught me that amidst all the changes and challenges of freshman year, I should go see someone. Accordingly, I found my own Wendell. While therapy was daunting at first, once in session, I realized how important and impactful those 50 minutes a week were to me. I felt supported, heard, and most of all, validated. In my opinion, people avoid therapy because they feel like their problems aren’t “big” enough. Therapy has taught me to not minimize feelings and remember that my battles are big enough. It is not meant for just one person or situation, but for anyone who wants to better understand themselves and address anything that they may want to talk about.
Many people go to therapy like Lori did, for a specific problem–a breakup, rejection, or instances of abandonment. After talking things out, people often realize that the reason they started therapy is rooted in an even deeper issue or insecurity. Even if the heartbreak is over, life and its obstacles find a way of coming back to you. There’s always going to be something to work on, and having someone to talk with about it is helpful. As Gottlieb writes, therapy teaches us how to choose our response and find growth and freedom. Therapists don’t magically eliminate issues, but they help the patient move through the space between stimulus and response and gain a better understanding of themselves.
Therapy teaches people that, though their problems will not be directly solved by a licensed professional, having the space to explore their issues creates growth opportunities. Therapists teach us how to notice problematic or recurring patterns in our lives — choosing toxic partners, being self-deprecating, or minimizing one’s feelings. They give us space to reflect on what we do to contribute to these patterns and how to choose a response that makes us grow stronger and not remain the same. Nobody should have to fight their battles alone, or be discouraged when they feel they need help. Mental health is just as important as physical health, and I believe that seeing a therapist should be as normalized as any other medical practitioner. I have found my freedom through growth and the space therapy gives me. As my therapist once said to me, “It is not weak to let others show up for you.”
