Take Your ‘Good Vibes Only’ Elsewhere
November 4, 2022
Writer: Chloe Zeldin
Editor: Lexie Meltzer
“Good vibes only.” This phrase has asserted its place in pop culture and our vocabularies over the past two decades. The world we live in is hyper fixated on chasing unrealistically ideal circumstances. The concept that we should always be striving for perfection is deeply ingrained in our society. But what about when life is not “good vibes only?” I don’t know about you, but having vague, positive phrases thrown in my face in an attempt to console me is the last thing I need. Honestly, shitty things happen. And frankly, they happen quite often. When the world feels like it's crumbling beneath us, we turn to our loved ones for comfort, for a safe space to be honest, for a shoulder to cry on. Those things are what we seek, but it is not what we always get. Sometimes, we get “you’ll get over it.” Sometimes, we get “it could be worse” or “look on the bright side!” And I’m over it.
Growing up, I heard these types of sentiments a lot, and they never made me feel good. In fact, I noticed that they almost always worsened my state of distress, although I really did not understand why that was; I am a sensitive person, so I assumed my response to these phrases was just a symptom of that. But as I got older, our culture started to shift away from the “good vibes only” types of sentiments. Talking about mental health struggles and our bad days has become less stigmatized, and new space has opened up for people to share their stories. This has contributed to the partial societal acceptance of feelings all across the board (not just the pleasant ones). Mental health has become a major topic of discussion, and conversations on how to approach supporting someone who is struggling have become more prominent. This has enabled me to begin putting labels on how certain responses to my distress made me feel — invalidated, overdramatic, guilty, unseen… the list goes on and on. The source of these feelings being: toxic positivity. With a severe rising decline in mental health among teens and adolescents, and the normalization of accepting negative feelings, the concept of toxic positivity rose to the surface. It immediately resonated with me. From then on, I knew I was never just too sensitive — I frequently am on the receiving end of toxic positivity, and its impact can have devastating long term physiological impacts.
Phrases that I like to call “positivity cop outs” are an integral part of ineffective consolation. They are used in luo of real empathy and genuine support, yet many people are unfamiliar with the concept of toxic positivity, and the difference between toxic positivity and gentle support. Toxic positivity can sound like a buzz-phrase that lacks tangible meaning; its broad nature makes it easy to write off in this way. When someone you care about is hurting, you want them to feel better. Your desire to see their condition improve can serve as an impetus to be toxically positive. When someone tells you that “you’ll get over it,” it is toxically positive. Sure, you will get over it, but what about right now? Using this phrase diminishes your current state of being. When we’re going through something difficult, we want that pain to not just be recognized, but validated, rationalized, and worked through with us. So, an alternative to “you’ll get over it” can be a response that provides acknowledgement and validation of their hardship, offers support, reaffirms their capability to get through it, and opens space for discussion of what they need rather than simply downplaying their emotions. How about, “I know this is really hard, and I am here to support you. Your strength and resilience will get you through it. But in the meantime, what can I do?”
The difference between the positivity cop out and the true empathetic response is consequential and it is imperative that we think about how abusing positivity can be harmful when trying to support others. At the end of the day, life is not good vibes only, and experiencing a wide array of emotions is an integral component of the human experience. We live in a world that is obsessed with happiness and perfection, but we are complex and intricate beings. We feel. We hurt. We grow. The only way to get through it is to experience it. The only way out is through. So, take your good vibes only elsewhere. It isn’t welcome here.
Image: Chloe Sinel
