Diaries from DBT
March 26, 2023
Author: Haley Brettschneider
Editor: Hannah Ostfield
It’s difficult to accept, acknowledge, and recount what it’s like to be suicidal. In a world where mental illness is stigmatized, it’s hard to write about depression. Personally, I was worried about people knowing, scared they were going to perceive me as the “crazy girl”. I thought the world saw me as a ticking time bomb and they were the ones controlling the timer. What people don’t understand, and what took me so long to come to terms with, is that you are your own trigger. You, and only you, control your emotions. Dialectical behavioral therapy, or DBT, is a resource that allowed me to grow and understand this at a time when my world had never felt darker.
My appreciation for my treatment took a long, long time.
1/7/21- This is going to suck. I’m staring at strangers for three hours listening to them rant about stupid shit.
1/9/21 - Three days in. Everyone goes around and says how their day is on a scale of
1-10. Is there an option for “0”? Oh, and even worse, we have HOMEWORK. I have to draw my “dips” of the day –moments when I feel my sadness kicking in and overwhelming me. The strategy is to stop it before it consumes me!
1/10/21- They tell us to close our eyes. They say to raise your hand if you’ve ever self-harmed. I hesitate but slowly raise my hand. I’m in my room by myself on a Zoom call with people just as distressed as I am, but something in me was holding me back from admitting my pain. They say to open your eyes. All twelve hands are up. I cry and slam my laptop shut.
1/14/21- My mom gets an email saying I left the previous class early. Yikes. I don’t know what to say when my friends ask me why I can’t hangout, but thankfully we have virtual school this week so I can say I’m just feeling lazy. I have a one-on-one appointment with Dominique after session today. Probably because I left.
1/14/21 - She asks me why I won’t open up. I say I don’t know. She pries until I tell her I’m scared of admitting my flaws. I felt like the moment I open up about my problems they will consume me, become me. Keeping them in made them seem less real. She tells me to skip the next two days of DBT. Come back next week ready to participate. I agree and crawl under my covers, asleep at 6 PM.
1/21/21- Today felt less empty. I felt more. We’re talking about emotional regulation. She tells us emotions are valid and natural, but because they cause so much pain and often make us feel out of control, they can be dangerous and we need to learn how to control them. My way of controlling my emotions was through self harm - a problematic control mechanism. Maybe I should pick up knitting!
2/4/21- She asks if anyone wants to share their experiences with distress. I told my fellow DBT members of my experiences with self-harm. I recounted the months when I’d leave the house with blood running down my arms and legs, hoping my friends would respond to my cry for help. I felt so low with no desire to hide it.
2/4/21- The other members started clapping. They applauded me for my honesty and willingness to open myself up and admit my flaws. I felt the constant pit in my chest diminish just a little bit. Progress was being made.
While I wish I could say there was a happily-ever-after ending to this story, that is not the reality of living with depression. While I still struggle with my emotions, I am happy and healthy and two years clean of self-harm. I still get sad sometimes, but I know how to control it. Dialectical behavioral therapy was the first step in my recovery and something I attribute to my current well-being today. It’s okay to struggle, but more importantly is acknowledging you have a problem worthy of being helped. You are not the crazy girl.
Image: Julia Bonnano
