I Lied On My College Application
February 29, 2024
Writer: Olivia Richie
Editor: Alena Miklosovic
Not many weeks ago, the University of Michigan's early application decisions were released. Online, I saw videos of excited seniors learning of their acceptances and also heard stories of those who did not receive the news they wanted to hear. All I could feel was a pit in my stomach; I was reminded of my dishonesty, because before my acceptance, back when I applied to UMich, I lied on my application.
…
My eyes make their way over the Common App essay questions, and I scoff at one in particular:
"Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others."
In my mind, I already feel defeated: I am not accomplished, not growing. How can I grow when I have been trapped in the same state of anxiety for years? I want things to change but they don't... and I don't understand why.
I try rereading the prompts again to see if something spontaneously changes–either my mind or maybe even the prompts themselves–but I'm not that lucky. The 2021 Common App essay questions are relentless and remind me of everything that I believe I am not: not passionate, not unique, and definitely not happy. At this point in my life, I am not even sure if I want to go to college; I don't know if I can take four more years of torture for perfect grades and “success.” Yet, here I am, applying to colleges, because I don't know what else to do.
Alas, as days turn to weeks, I find myself at a loss for words. After hours to days of writing, I realize how much I hate what I’ve said about myself, and end up purging every word–over and over again.
…
I've never heard anyone talk seriously before about what it means to try and present the best version of yourself when you have depression. Supposedly, you have to believe in your capabilities in order to be believed in by others, but that isn't easy. I don't think it's always possible. It takes time and strength to build your self-esteem, maybe even a lifetime. But applications, like ones for college, expect you to have yourself all figured out.
My application was in 2021–before I found treatment–and I had nothing figured out.
With days left before applications were due, I still didn't have anything positive to say about myself. Nothing that I truly believed, anyways. And so, I was left with no other option: I lied.
With no time to spare, I looked at myself in adoration and wrote: I expressed who I wanted to be, rather than what I thought I was, and suddenly words spilled onto the page. Any thought that popped into my head, good or bad, went into my essay and stayed there. I wrote about my failures and successes, my insecurities and assurances. I wrote about myself like I mattered. I felt like I was lying, but I wrote anyway.
When I submitted, I felt like a cheat. But now, after some time of healing, I see the beauty in what I had done: My essay, which I had written off as a corny lie, turned out to hold truths that took me years to believe about myself. It was only when I gave myself the chance to write without editing–without doubting–that my words became clear. Since I had no time to undo, the malicious opinions from my anxiety and depression could not erase what had been said.
Insecurity and anxiety can make it seem as though the best parts of yourself have been lost, perhaps irretrievably. Yet, somehow, when I tried to "lie" about what I was, I unintentionally revealed truths about myself that I didn't know were there. And so, this is the truth: The best parts of yourself do not disappear when you are struggling. Rather, they're hidden, the same way a sunny blue sky doesn't disappear when it's overcast. In my case, even though I’d gone so long without seeing sunshine, a part of me still knew that the sky was blue. A part of me knew the sun would shine again.
So yes, I lied on my application. At least, that's what I thought when I wrote it. But beneath it all, the truth was there: I am capable. I am strong. I am enough.
I believe you are too..
...and that is anything but a lie.
