I'm Not Sorry (Sorry?)
December 11, 2023
Writer: Chloe Zeldin
Editor: Natalia Pinto
When I walk down a crowded street, I am hyper vigilant; always aware of my surroundings, making sure that I do not bump into anybody. But, when a person is not paying attention and bumps into me, I immediately yelp, “sorry!” I don’t even have a chance before I speak; my apology is a knee-jerk reaction and is almost entirely involuntary. Am I apologizing for something that was not my fault? Yes.
When I have to say no to going out on a Saturday night because I simply do not want to go, I find myself sending one million “ugh so sorry i feel so bad” texts. I feel guilty for saying no to other people, especially when it is to listen to myself. Is saying no to going out wrong? No. Do I still profusely apologize and stress about it? Absolutely.
I know I am not the only person who does this; more specifically, I know I am not the only woman who does this. I find my female friends apologizing to me and others when they do nothing wrong and when something is not their fault. I have observed that the apologies are so quick and immediate that they seem very subconscious and natural. This, to me, indicates that there is a reflex to apologize in women.
When we reflexively apologize, we automatically assume responsibility for things that may not be our fault or may not be in our control. Apologizing serially when it is unnecessary is a learned reflex, and it greatly affects self-worth. I would argue that this reflex is less innate and more learned; from a young age, girls are taught to apologize for inconveniencing others as a way of being polite and to remedy other people’s wrongs. This is imprinted at such a young age, and sometimes so subliminally through media, that it is really challenging to escape.
When we begin to apologize reflexively serially, it deflates our sense of self-worth and our standards. The standards for what should and should not be apologized for get lower and lower, and in some women, it gets to the point where we are apologizing for everything. I know that personally, I have gotten to the point where it feels like I am living apologetically… almost apologizing for existing.
The real question is: how do we unlearn this? While a difficult answer, reflexive apologizing is so deeply ingrained in our habits and culture that it requires conscious effort and work to unlearn. The first step is to recognize it and notice when you are doing it. For me, I have recently had these little moments where I can hear this little feisty voice in my brain say, “Hey, why did you just apologize for that? You didn’t even do anything wrong.” That, in itself, is major progress. To even call it out, is a huge step in the right direction. The next step is to be intentional about putting thought into responses and making sure that you are speaking in a way that is empowering, not deflating. It is not easy, but when you are intentional with your words and thoughtful with your intentions, I promise you can begin to apologize less.
