NEDA Week: My Eating Disorder Story
February 26, 2023
Author: Lily Lev
Editor: Lynn Sabieddine
For my seventeenth birthday, my grandma got me a book entitled, “This is 18.” The book describes how women across the world experienced their eighteenth year of life and the dreams they had for their futures. Since I was four years old, my dream for my eighteenth birthday was to go skydiving with my dad. And yet, less than a month into turning 18, I was on bed rest in the hospital, connected to three cords and an IV, getting blood drawn daily, and had a feeding tube giving me nutrition.
Anorexia nervosa.
National Eating Disorder Awareness week is February 20-26, 2023. Eating disorders impact 28 million people in the United States, killing over 10,000 people each year, and these numbers are dramatically increasing during the pandemic as the illness thrives in isolation. Despite common misconceptions, only 6% of people with eating disorders are medically underweight, and the illness can impact anyone regardless of age, race, and gender. There are many types of eating disorders, with the most common being anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge eating disorder.
In my recovery from anorexia, I’ve realized that spending my life focused on shrinking my body went against everything I valued and cared about. When opening my acceptance letter from the University of Michigan, my dream school since I was five years old, rather than experiencing overwhelming excitement, all I really felt was the need to take a nap because I hadn’t eaten yet that day.
I have now promised myself never to experience that feeling again. Instead, I want to be the fullest, most energetic, and empathetic version of myself that I can be. I’ve recovered for four-year-old Lily, who had a deal with her dad to go skydiving (and trust me, it was worth it). I’ve recovered for eight-year-old Lily with ice cream smeared across her face, smiling so wide because she knew she had the potential to make her life anything and everything she’d ever imagined. And I’ve recovered for eighteen-year-old Lily, who has realized that while the world is a complicated place, by being at her best self, she can make an impact in a large way.
What my eating disorder stole from me:
Time. Life is better when you're out with friends or taking a hike rather than lying in your bed all afternoon because your body is trying to keep you alive while you fail to give it enough energy to do more than that. Deep in my ED, walking two minutes between classes in my high school felt like a chore. I was running on two energy drinks and a coffee a day and still struggled to even sit at my desk working. When scrolling through Instagram, even double tapping to like a photo was too much exertion.
Joy. My one big goal in life so far has been to get into the University of Michigan. For every test I didn’t want to study for and debate I didn’t want to participate in, I pushed through for the hope of maybe getting into Michigan. January 29, 2022, should have been the happiest day of my life; opening my acceptance letter surrounded by my parents (Michigan alum) and brother. But, instead, I was shaking from dizziness and lacked any emotion at all.
Warmth. Physical warmth (I was always freezing), but also gratitude and appreciation for my friends, family, and entire support network. All I focused on were the superficial parts of life and not what truly brought me satisfaction.
Control. The eating disorder forced me to believe that I was in control. But in reality, I was constantly chasing control; it was always just out of grasp.
How I reclaimed my life - recovery tips:
Journaling. About what I wanted in life, my values, why this happened in the first place, how I would beat this illness, lists of what my eating disorder stole from me, and why I wanted to recover.
Support. I was lucky to be surrounded by family and friends who love and care for me. During the first two months of recovery, my parents had to make every single meal and snack for me and watch me eat the whole thing. I hated it and felt I had no control of my life, but it got me to the freedom I now have.
Time. Recovery doesn’t happen overnight, but eventually, when you look back on how far you’ve come, you’ll be grateful that you tried.
Reminders:
It gets harder before it gets easier - push through.
Stay with it. There will be hard days, and there will be times when you backtrack, but keep going.
Make a list of reasons to recover. Maybe it’s to enjoy late-night ice cream runs, to not always think about food, or so that your mom is not constantly worried about you.
You deserve recovery. You don’t need to be hospitalized, you don’t need to be ‘medically underweight,’ and you don’t need to feel ‘sick enough’ to start healing.
RECOVERY IS SO WORTH IT!
Eating disorders fact sheet. (n.d.). Retrieved January 15, 2023, from https://anad.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/ANAD-Eating-Disorders-Fact-Sheet-v2.pdf
Image: Ava Edwards
