You Do Not Want Closure
December 9, 2022
Writer: Eva Harden
Editor: Keara Keelty
“There ain't nothing here for me anymore … but I don't want to be alone.” - Rihanna
There is nothing there. But still, we stay - if only to curb loneliness? Often, we desire a systematic, orderly end to friendships, relationships, and life circumstances - this is understandable and natural. In other words, we desire closure. The world should make sense: A + B should equal C, right? Yet, this is not always the case. For instance, whether it is an on-and-off relationship that you have been in for years or a summer situationship that just ended, we all tend to lean towards one savior when things are awry: a sense of closure, or rather, an explained, logical, rationale that checks out. No matter how a relationship ends, something inside us necessitates the semblance of closure. We want everything to end on a “good note,” or maybe to still be “friends” with a significant other. However, loneliness cannot prevent you from actually moving on.
As a matter of fact, closure is a systematic, intrinsic part of human relations. We want the process of closure to be as simple-minded and natural as waking up and brushing your teeth. However, we cannot apply a system so simple to an entity as complex as a crumbled relationship. This merely does not work. The reason that brushing your teeth can be accomplished so easily is because you want to start the day. Often, in failed relationships, we do not want to move on. In our newfound loneliness, we are not actively trying to move on. Rather, we are just thinking about the easiest way not to be alone. And, of course, the easiest way to not be alone is to simply go back to that freshly broken relationship, especially under the proposed guise of closure. Despite the fact that the relationship has nothing left to give, we return to it. We settle in and instead of moving on; we stay when we know we absolutely should not.
This cycle reinforces the idea that peace comes from external sources. Instead, peace is intrinsic, or rather, found internally through doing things that you love. Whether it be painting, working out, reading, or even eating good food, you can spark joy in your life in ways that are not dependent on other people. Tell yourself this: You do not need to go back to them to move on: the idea that you do in fact need closure is merely a fallacy. The thought that we can only truly heal once another person gives us the permission to move on perpetuates the cycle of failed closure.
Yet, on social media, closure seems like an absolute. For instance, one TikTok described how a girl shaved her whole body to go get “closure” with her ex-boyfriend. As presumably comical this story actually is, it indeed proves my aforementioned point: No one actually wants closure. You do not want to “just talk to them.” Instead, you crave an entrance for everything to be better again. Here, you want to bask in their presence one last time. You want to text them “what happened to us,” not for closure, but to see if their heart is as shattered as yours. To see if you can give it another go. To see if they still love you. To remind them of who you both were. So, truly, real closure is the furthest thing from your mind.
I am not telling you to never text an ex-partner or former friend. Instead, I merely ask that you question your own motives next time. Realistically, what are you attempting to accomplish through such actions? Is there something there for you? Or, do you just not want to be alone?
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