All The Things We Did Not Become
November 6, 2023
Writer: Emily Becker
Editor: Natalia Pinto
“How do we forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become?”
I first heard this quote at a random music education conference in Cincinnati, Ohio, of all places. I was there for a professional development trip with other people from my major in my freshman year of college. This line would introduce a middle school choir’s set they had been working on for months in preparation for this convention. But my mind was still thinking about that question; I would think about it for the whole performance, trip, and year following.
When I was eight, I dreamed of being the next big pop star. Like Hannah Montana, I’d write all my own songs and go on tour. My 10-year-old self wanted to be the most famous fashion designer and have my creations displayed at New York Fashion Week. When I was 13, I dreamed about traveling the world and researching all about different accents and the variations people use to describe the same word. My 16-year-old self thought about a career in journalism or creative writing — all she wanted to do was write. There are so many different things our younger selves wanted to do and so many other people our younger selves wanted to be. I gave up on taking sewing classes after two years, but “what if I had tried harder”? I stopped learning about regional dialect variations after I thought I’d learned all of them in a year, but “what if this was meant to be, and I gave up on it too quickly as a kid”? There are so many things we could’ve been, so many people we almost became; how do we let go of the things we’ve allowed to leave our lives?
For the past year, I’ve been trying to come up with an answer to that question, repeatedly telling myself, “It’s okay; you’re doing what you’re meant to do now,” but what if I’m not? How do we really know? This school year, I’ve enacted a new rule for myself: try everything you’ve ever wanted to do once or quit; whatever sticks, let it stick; whatever doesn’t, let it go. The first week of school, I tried to do some craft work on a game day shirt that was just not looking right but, after fiddling with it for an hour, I decided that fashion was a dream that could stay in the past (that one was an easy one to determine). I also enrolled in a linguistic anthropology course and realized I still really like it. I’ve found that accents and speech patterns are something I constantly bring up in my daily life now that I get to meet so many new people from around the world. Maybe I don’t see myself doing research in the future, but I know that I still truly love learning about this subject that was once a nerdy hobby of mine. This year, I also applied to start writing for this platform (Hopelessly Yellow) and am assisting in writing research blog posts for the job I just started. I might not want to be a famous novelist or journalist like I used to, but I learned that the life I’ve always viewed for myself has always and will always continue to include writing. And the whole pop star thing... well, I’m a music major, so I get to sing all the time (I guess that’s the thing I chose to “become” in the end).
Over the past year, I’ve definitely failed at some things. I gave a ridiculous amount of people the wrong order when I worked at a restaurant, but at least I tried it. I’ve learned that, despite trying anyway, I really do not like sports (maybe I didn’t need to try that one twice). And by the end of the year, I still desperately need to try stand-up comedy at least once. Through it all, though, the most important thing I’ve learned is that you don’t need to force anything that’s not working. Take ownership of the things that you enjoy and make them yours. During freshman year, it can feel like there’s a lot of pressure to find all the things you’ll reminisce about when you look back on your college days. Now that I’m a sophomore, I realize there is so much time to find all the things you genuinely love to do and make them worthwhile — even if it takes you until your last semester to find them. Despite what people say, you don’t need to figure out anything “soon enough”; this is all just a part of our journey. Whatever you choose to do with your time will be uniquely yours, and no one can take that away from you.
