Diaries of a Hypochondriac
October 24, 2022
Writer: Rachel Cohn
Editor: Lauren Cuppy
Growing up as the daughter of two doctors, I have always had easy access to medical diagnoses. I would shout, “mom, my ear hurts,” and she would rush in with her otoscope, or I would show my dad a scab on my leg that he could easily confirm was not infected. Every time my health was not 100%, I could go to my parents to ensure I was not dying. Even though they would tell me I was ok no matter what, oftentimes, without even looking at what was bothering me, I still felt better when they said I was healthy. I always trusted their diagnoses because I realized at a young age that I could not always trust my own intrusive thoughts.
In 2021, as I was beginning my freshman year at Michigan. I quickly learned the reality of the frat flu, and ended up sick for the majority of my first semester. Despite testing negative for various diseases, my mind spiraled without my parents' reassurance. And without a precise diagnosis, the space once filled with reassurance from my parents, was now empty, leaving room to develop hypochondriac tendencies. I would google all of my symptoms, believe I may have developed a rare and deadly illness, and call my parents in tears. They would tell me I was fine, but their voices over the phone never gave me the same feelings of safety as their voices in real life. It was not the same as the comfort and security I would feel in their arms at home, in my childhood bed, with my dog curled up next to me. I never felt more homesick than when I was physically sick my freshman year.
I became trapped in a self-fulfilling prophecy of sickness. My intrusive thoughts would send me into a spiral of anxiety, which would then make me feel even more ill. Curious as to why I was stuck in this pattern, I began to research and talk to my parents about anxiety, and learned that its symptoms are often not restricted to just the mental sphere, but can often infect one’s physical well-being too. I realized that no, I was not shaking because I was sick, but because I was feeling anxious about my health. I was not having trouble sleeping because I was sick, but because my mind was cluttered with morbid thoughts about illness.
People always talk about how leaving for college for the first time is so exciting and freeing, but they never mention how you will feel completely cut off from your support system, and how these feelings can have detrimental effects on your mental and physical health. I experienced this first hand, as I’m sure so many others have as well; however, no one speaks about it, since it’s “lame” to miss your parents. No matter how far away Ann Arbor is from home, it is perfectly normal to experience feelings of homesickness, and these feelings may manifest themselves in different ways. I personally became an anxious hypochondriac, which may be a more common response than I thought. If your feelings of homesickness and anxiety show themselves in this way, and you find yourself staying awake at night worried about your physical well-being, you are not alone.
I have found many ways to cope with my intrusive thoughts, which are at their worst when I am trying to sleep. All at once, my mind becomes flooded with thoughts like:
“I suddenly feel very warm”
“I bet I have a fever”
“Am I dying?”
“No, stop, you are safe”
“But are my parents at home safe?”
Thoughts like these took me down a dark path. So, when I notice myself spiraling, I like to take out my phone and watch whatever funny sitcom I am in the middle of binging (my favorite is New Girl). I will watch an episode to try to clear my mind. If that doesn’t work, I’ll try to fall asleep listening to my favorite comfort music, usually old Taylor Swift. If I play the music loud enough, it drowns out my thoughts, and I can relax. I also like to constantly remind myself how rare certain occurrences and illnesses are, and I sometimes even google the statistics for extra reassurance. Thinking rationally like this helps to calm me down. While my intrusive thoughts and my new-found hypochondria still creep back in, discovering and utilizing these strategies help alleviate my anxiety.
I will not deny how scary it is to leave your home and support system, or tell you the cliche that you can find a new support system here, because truly nothing compares to the comfort and security of your family. But, you are not alone in these feelings, and being able to recognize them allows you to face them head-on instead of allowing your anxiety to dictate what you can and cannot think. Hopefully after reading this and my experience, you can identify the voices in your head and realize that they are just voices, nothing more, who cannot hurt you, and aren’t so scary after all.
