May 6, 2022

Editor: Lily Wachtel
Artist: Molly Gold

“Caroline” “Caroline” “Caroline”

Every time I heard my name, the pit in my stomach grew bigger and bigger. There I was at Frita Batidos, all by myself, hungry and anxious. I was doing a little social experiment which involved doing things that I would normally do in a group, by myself. So far, I had gone to a coffee shop, went shopping, and to the movies all on my own. Going to dinner was my final task.

I thought I was going to be like Carrie Bradshaw, sitting pretty and confidently with my batido and a book, but it was nothing like she made it out to be. I was incredibly nervous: literally physically shaking. Fritas was packed on this Thursday night and it felt like everyone was staring at me. The customers’ eyes were shouting questions at me. “Is she really here by herself?” “Did she get stood up?” “Does she have any friends?” After ordering and taking a seat at the end of one of the tables. I quickly pulled out my phone like it was a shield. My eyes shouted back “Don’t worry everyone! I’m on my phone texting all the friends I have! I AM NOT A LONER!”

My aimless Instagram scrolling was interrupted by the chanting of my name. As soon as I registered that it was mine being called, I sheepishly raised my hand and the server brought me my food. My face turned red hot. I immediately looked around for validation of my embarrassment from others. As I looked around, I realized no one was looking at me. Literally no one. People were obnoxiously laughing, sloppily eating their burgers, and letting their milkshakes form mustaches on their top lips. I came to realize that simply no one cared what I was doing. I felt free.

All of the assumptions I had created about what others thought of me were just that: my own creation. How silly was it that I was letting myself feel embarrassed and not enjoy my meal? And even if people were thinking those questions I listed before, what’s it to them? I will literally never see them again. I put my phone down and pulled out my book, owning my Carrie Bradshaw moment. (The food was also amazing. Push Frita Batidos always!)

One of the reasons I began this social experiment was to fulfill a goal I had set for myself at the beginning of the year: transform old fears into new powers. After my dinner, I learned how to truly appreciate my own company and stop caring so much about what other people think. It has also inspired me to think of the other aspects of my life that make me fearful and try to correct them. I reached out to my professor for help in a class I’m struggling in, even though she seemed intimidating. I blocked an old friend who was emotionally draining and lowered my self confidence, even though all my other friends like him. I decided to take a job this summer on an oncology unit, even though I didn’t think I deserved it. Creating all of this change gave me that same freeing feeling: freedom from fear, freedom from others, freedom from myself.

As we wrap up this semester and head into summer, I challenge all of you to tackle your fears, even just one, and feel it all. Feel the anxiety rise; feel it fall; feel it dissipate.