February 7, 2022
Editor: Tabitha Dickinson & Alex Vena
artist: Sydney Newman
“Maybe you don’t deserve to go to Michigan if you don’t get a 4.0.” “This class has graduate students in it, you’re definitely going to be at the bottom of the curve.” “Are you understanding the material as quickly as everyone else? If not, maybe you’re not a good enough student.” These are some of the disruptive and degrading thoughts the little judgmental voice in the back of my mind likes to say to interrupt my day.
The only goal of this judgmental voice is to make you doubt yourself and believe you embody all the negative things it says you are. When you believe what your inner, little judge is telling you, you give it the power to speak louder and louder; you allow it to condemn you as an imposter, unsafe in your environment and waiting to be called out as a fraud.
When I began going to therapy for anxiety and depression two years ago, I had neither an idea what “Impostor Syndrome” was nor how I could turn down the volume of the voice shouting so many debilitating thoughts at me. Curious to learn about the abrasive voice infiltrating my thoughts, I started to do my own research. I read that the term “Impostor Syndrome (IS)” was coined by psychologists Suzanna Imes and Pauline Rose Clance in the 1970s. The article from Verywell Mind, an online mental health resource, continues, “when the concept of IS was introduced, it was originally thought to apply mostly to high-achieving women. Since then, it has been recognized as more widely experienced.”The line about “high-achieving women” stood out to me.
As a woman in a male dominated space, like my philosophy classroom, being one of few women led me to feel intimidated by possible sexism. In the beginning of my philosophy career, I was worried about asking questions in front of my male peers. I didn’t want to give them a reason to think I wasn’t as smart as them because I’m a woman. Sometimes, while sitting in class, I would lose focus watching every male in the room to see if they sent a rude glance my way after I spoke. Many of my female friends in STEM or business have said they feel like this too. It’s very upsetting to feel unworthy and it can be extremely detrimental to any learning process.
After a while in therapy, I realized that I honestly don’t care what perceptions people hold of me in their minds. I started speaking up and each time I did, my confidence rose. Giving in to silence, I realized, could actually be perpetuating the stereotype that I hated so much.
Now, when my “you’re not good enough” thoughts pop up, I hold space for them, allowing them to say what they want. I give them compassion by letting them be present. I engage in dialogue with them by telling them I understand their concerns about me, my life, and my performance in academic settings. Then, I quickly shut them down; I hear what they want to tell me but that’s enough. I am in control of my mind and life. I rebut, that these thoughts are meaningless. My judgmental thoughts are the actual frauds since they aren’t even real; these thoughts are not physical things in this world, just figments of my mind.
I owe it to myself to keep pushing the boundaries of what my anxiety tells me I can’t do. I am not defined by my anxiety, my self-questioning thoughts, or my fears. I can define myself however I choose; I am a smart woman, I add value to the world, I am deserving of receiving praise from others and myself, and I am not an imposter.