January 20, 2021

Sitting in Silence

By Carly Brechner

As a talkative and self-proclaimed “people person,” I am frequently found in the company of others. In my close-knit household of four, I’m free to walk into a room and spend time with any of my family members, even if I just wanted to share a quick thought and leave. At my small high school in Philadelphia, every time I walked into a classroom, or down the hallway, there was always a friendly face to stop and talk to. I’ve always had the privilege of deciding when I wanted to be alone. If I wanted to sit alone with just my thoughts, it was because I wanted to. It was always my choice.

As I’m sure many can agree, this changed with the onset of the Coronavirus pandemic and quarantine. My face-to-face interactions were now over Zoom, and the spontaneity of walking to class with my peers, or sitting down for lunch with friends was gone. I never was lonely, though. Although it was all virtual, the end of my senior year was filled with a myriad of celebrations. I was showered with love, support, pride from family and friends in a way I never expected. Although it always felt distant, surprise facetimes from friends and family remained a comfort in the never-ending months of quarantine. 

I’d always imagined a cliche, enthusiastic welcome to college. Coming to Michigan was something I dreamed of for so long that I simply couldn’t imagine my arrival being anything less than perfect. Everyone says the transition to college is difficult, but for some naive reason, I just couldn’t believe it would be that way for me. I immediately faced the reality of my high expectations, coupled with starting college in a pandemic, and realized that these next few months were going to bring on a brand new set of challenges. My family was on their own schedule across the country and, while they gave me endless support, my sporadic FaceTime calls were sometimes left unanswered. My friends were also starting college and although it was not the case, it felt like they were too busy to talk when I needed it. I had to let go of the selfish notion that everyone was readily available when I wanted them to be and realize that just as they were living their own lives, I was living my own as well, even if I was lonely.

This isn’t supposed to be sad. Throughout the past few months, I have been so lucky to meet so many people, take amazing classes, and spend time in the best place; ultimately, my difficult moments have only helped me grow. This past year has been a tidal wave of emotions for everyone, and loneliness was a feeling that I had to learn to accept. I wasn’t alone in feeling lonely, though. This feeling, especially in one’s first semester in college, is so prevalent, so real. It was only when I stopped looking at loneliness as a bad thing, but rather as a natural feeling that we are meant to experience, I finally learned how to sit in silence. I learned how to appreciate the alone time, how to prioritize myself, and how to reconcile challenging moments with my emotions. 

Even now, reflecting upon these last months, things are far from perfect, and I am still understanding that it is okay to just simply exist. I’ve learned that there is no need to feel like we should constantly surround ourselves with other people to stay busy. It’s too much pressure, and it just leads to self-doubt and disappointment in the end when we are left with a moment alone. Read a book, listen to music, go for a walk, or watch a movie. Do the things that make you happy and appreciate being alone, because it is when we sit in silence that we allow ourselves to grow.