December 1, 2021

I started struggling with my body image when I was 8 years old. I remember being in music class and noticing that my thighs looked like a big jiggly pile of jello spreading out on my seat. I looked around the room and realized that only my legs looked like two huge puddles, all the other girl’s legs seemed to keep their thin and perfect shape. It was at this moment that I began to view myself as less than my friends and peers, feeling like an outsider because of my unsculpted thighs. My focus became making my legs look thin like the other girls in my class. Every day I would examine my thighs to see if they were getting smaller, continuously measuring them next to my classmates to check if I was making progress.

At the age of ten, I downloaded the new app Instagram, coined the username “Chloekoala02” (so cool, right?!) and began my new life on social media. What started as an innocent photo-sharing experience quickly became the breeding ground for my insecurities. I was soon engulfed in images of girls with flat stomachs, long legs, and small waists - everything I thought I wanted. My obsession with my body grew with each picture I viewed when I was scrolling on feed. No matter how badly this made me feel about myself, I continued to compare myself to the girls behind my phone screen, and I wouldn’t be happy unless I looked exactly like them. 

By the time high school rolled around, I equated the entirety of my self-worth with my body image. The size of that obstacle was as big as a boulder on the road. I felt unable to move it, no matter how hard I tried. I spent my days torturing myself, trying to push and push and roll it even just an inch. What I didn’t realize at the time was that the obstacle to overcome wasn’t my body itself, but rather my own perception of my body. 

My weight and body image felt like a real roadblock. The entirety of my happiness, success, friendships, and relationships became dependent on how flat my stomach was, if my thighs were skinny enough, and if I could squeeze into the smallest-sized jeans. I was on a constant mission to lose weight and change the way I looked - I thought I would never be truly joyful until I had made my body perfect.

I also didn’t realize that I would grow to accept (even love) my body through something as simple as dancing alone in the mirror. 

It started as a joke. Before jumping in the shower, I would queue some songs on my speaker and just start dancing  - laughing to myself as I flipped my hair and twirled around. I began to return to my mirror every night, never taking myself seriously as I let myself move freely around the room to the beat of the music. With just my own reflection to follow and nobody next to me in class or on Instagram, I felt free and confident. My body was mine to love and dance in the mirror with, every jiggle in my thigh or curve in my hip was who I was, and I was not just okay with it, but happy with it. 

My dancing in the mirror philosophy began to trickle into the rest of my life. My morning scrolls on Instagram no longer carried the same weight. I began to wear more of the clothes that inspired me, no longer feeling like I had to get to a certain weight before dressing how I wanted. I began to dance and let go when I went out with my friends, too. No longer feeling like everyone’s eyes were on me, and that I didn’t have the right to dance and feel free. I wasn’t trying to change myself, and I didn’t see myself as something to fix, but rather was just being and living. I let go, and the answers ended up being right in front of me. The boulder was gone, the road ahead was clear.

Looking back on my journey with my body image, I see now how incorrect and unhealthy my belief that I could only be truly happy once my body fit the standard body-image set by our society was. I now see that true and lasting happiness comes through acceptance of oneself, no matter where you are in your journey. I encourage you to be present and accepting of yourself, the way I was when I danced in the mirror. Maybe even give it a try for yourself once in a while to experience that feeling of being free with who you are.