December 3, 2021

As someone who has always been rather anxious, I’ve often found solace in formulating a set plan for my future. Knowing what may lie ahead allows me to prepare for all of the potential obstacles that my anxious brain dreams up. Throughout high school, my plan was clear: study hard, achieve good grades, do well on my ACT, and then, if all went swimmingly, receive admission to my dream school - The University of Michigan. Whenever I found myself falling into an anxious spiral, I would simply remind myself of my end goal. Everything I was doing was meant to get me to where I wanted to be. 

Now I’m here, the place I’ve dreamed about for years. I have a ton of friends, I’m doing well in my classes, I’m involved in numerous clubs on campus, and overall I couldn’t be happier. That being said, for the longest time, I couldn’t seem to shark this dark, looming thought - what in the world am I going to do when my time in Ann Arbor comes to a close? As a sophomore in college, I can’t help but long for the assurance I had at this point in my high school career. Maybe I didn’t know which campus I would be on, but I knew college was the answer. 

This time in my life is the first of potentially many periods where I absolutely cannot say where I might be three years from now. Perhaps I’ll be in law school, or live in New York City, or maybe I’ll be back in my childhood bedroom. I’ve struggled a great amount accepting that my control over the events of the next few years are relatively limited. My anxiety is screaming at the rest of my brain to put some kind of plan together. With lots of affirmations, reminders, and talk therapy, I’ve come to accept that I’m only 19. I have no idea how I want to spend the rest of my life - and that’s perfectly fine. 

What’s more important for me is to enjoy these moments that I worked so hard for. I don’t need to strategically calculate my every move down to a tee. I can simply explore my interests and take advantage of opportunities as they come. Yes, I’m certainly eager to find some kind of direction, but I have my whole life ahead of me. For now, my well-being is the priority. There is no need to spend hours in anxious worm holes that are impossible to escape when answers are nowhere to be found. 

It’s taken a lot of work to get here, but somehow I’ve learned that the future isn’t always the most pressing issue in my life. Instead, I’ve chosen to focus on what’s right in front of me. Whether it’s spending time with friends, pouring my heart into my academic endeavours, or just enjoying my daily walks to class, there’s a million ways to budget my time that don’t involve planning the future. If I spent my whole life looking ahead, I’d completely miss out on what’s right in front of me.