October 20, 2021

A couple of days ago, I was on the phone with my mom discussing the ever present and always daunting topic of my impending future. We had already spent over an hour discussing how I was doing in my classes and chatting about the latest scoop of news from back home, this time consisting of the juicy details of my younger sister’s first homecoming of the year. What color was her dress? Did I think it was too short? Who was her date? Did she know him before? But more importantly, how cute is he? We talked about the pre-party that she went to, who she got ready with, and fixated on the minimal details that she gave our mom about the after-party. 

Somehow, from there, we wound up reminiscing over my first homecoming: how nervous I was to go with a guy I didn’t know, and how I waited until the last second to finally put my heels on (and promptly took them off at the first available opportunity). As conversations about the past normally go, the next logical topic of discussion was my future. This has always been a slightly sore subject for me because, while I do have a profession in mind, there is also an underlying river of nerves and apprehension that teems with self-doubt. Everytime I think of my future and where I want to be, more specifically who I want to be, my mind is yoked under waves of anxiety. After a couple minutes of deep breathing and nothing else, my mom calmly told me “There’s nothing that we expect of you, all we want is for you to be happy. Think of the things that you love, and find a way to turn them into a profession.” Soon after that, we said our goodbyes and hung up the phone. I was left sitting at my desk and had resorted to counting the spirals down the spines of my notebooks as a method of calming myself down (yes, counting brings me peace). I was on spiral number 7 of notebook number 2 when I decided to enumerate ten things that make me happy. Ten things that bring me peace. Ten things that manage to soften the crash of insecurities on the shore of my mind. 

As I was wrapping up my list, I realized that a few of the things on my list were things that I don’t even do that often. If I were to have one list of things that make my soul happy and one list of things that I actually do, they probably would not match up. Which, if you think really, REALLY  hard about it, just does not make much sense. If I want to be happy, I should probably start doing the things that make me happy more often. The memorable thing about this moment, was coming to terms with the fact that I am my own c*ckblock. I am the only person preventing myself from finding joy in everyday activities, my own mindset was the thing that was tearing me apart. I also was hit with the realization that I am most definitely not the only person to feel or act this way. So, on behalf of anyone who happens to read this article, I am going to graciously share my list. Hopefully you are able to create your own list of 10 things that keep the monsters of your mind at bay.

My Life’s BIG 10 List: in no particular order

1. The sunset lamp that I keep in my room. Specifically, when I have it perfectly placed on my ceiling and turned on in conjunction with my lava lamp.

2. Long walks through the Arb while listening to a podcast. Now that it has started to finally cool down and I am not sweating after moving five feet, I find long walks to be quite peaceful.

3. Cooking. Paying attention to what I eat and how it makes me feel is surprisingly soothing. I find that even making something as simple as avocado rice cakes can give me a real serotonin boost.

4. Cuddling with Mitski, our house’s cat. I feel as though that one is self explanatory.

5. Watching sunset from the roof. This one is also self explanatory.

6. Reading. Personally, I find that there is a healing factor involved with being able to remove yourself from your own world and settle down in someone else’s for a while.

7. Getting my nails done...but, really just any form of selfcare. Another one that’s self explanatory, I mean the word ‘selfcare’ literally has ‘care’ in it…

8. Watching TedTalks. I know how weird this one sounds (I have been told that before) but, not all TedTalks are monotonous and boring! Some of them genuinely encourage introspective thinking and can induce a meditative state just by listening to them, kind of similar to a podcast :)

9. My night routine. I genuinely look forward to one. Hot showers after a long day, starting my skincare routine, turning on the colored lights in my room (refer back to #1).

10. Scrolling through VSCO or Pinterest. This one I can’t really explain, but I seriously appreciate a well cultivated fashion or lifestyle feed.