The Wrong Kind of Love
November 8, 2023
Writer: Chloe Pehote
Editor: Zoe Harris
The social culture of my freshman year of college was overshadowed by the fallout of several noncommittal relationships. Whether or not they were my own, my friends’, or a complete stranger whom I encountered hysterically in tears in a fraternity house bathroom; I have witnessed the “liberation” that is hookup culture, and, after lots of self-reflection, I cannot help but wonder if that is just a lie that we have been told over and over again just to continue perpetuating the behavior for the sake of being “the cool girl.”
Let me preface my analysis by saying that my issue in these “situationships” or “non-exclusive” dynamics is not the casualness of it all, but rather the lack of respect that often corresponds with it. I have witnessed some of the most intelligent, driven, and independent women that I have ever encountered be consumed by anxiety and self-loathing because of inescapable uncertainty of discovering they’re the “other woman,” playing the girlfriend without the label or treatment of the role, and being told that to expect more out of a partner than sex, is to be “crazy,” “obsessive,” or “controlling.”
As a result of being a witness to these experiences, I have come to realize that almost always in these relationships there is a winner and a loser. Specifically, the winner gets to walk away carefree; they get to avoid the heartbreak, the anxiety, and the thoughts of “is this all I am worth?” They can boast about all of the people they have gotten with and make themselves out to be “the player.” In contrast, the loser is the one who has to pick up the pieces of themselves and contemplate what they could have done differently to receive the “right kind of love.” They are left to worry about the rumors, what the other person is thinking of them, and whether or not they will get a text back. While obviously the more comfortable option is to be the winner, I can confidently say that I would choose to be the loser a thousand times over, and this is why.
To be “the loser” is to be vulnerable, to be optimistic, to be passionate. It is not a reflection of what you deserve, but rather what you are willing to give of yourself to someone else in more ways than physical intimacy. While it is inevitable that there will be situations in which you may regret playing this role, many years from now there will be a time in which this will become the same love and energy that you are giving to your spouse, your elderly parents, and your future children — and that is something you should feel infinite amounts of pride for.
So while there is nothing wrong with embracing hookup culture for what it can offer you, there is something wrong with believing that someone's inability to treat you with the commitment, empathy, and respect that you deserve is a reflection of your character. Instead, it is a personification of a lack of maturity, too much independence, and desensitization towards what it means to truly care for and respect an individual as a human being, let alone a romantic partner.
In conclusion, I leave you, reader, with this piece of advice: There will come a day in which you are surrounded by romantic love. You will share a home, a family, children, and a last name with someone who you may or may not know for several years to come. In the meantime, there is so much more “good love” all around you in ways that are fulfilling, rewarding, and EXACTLY what you do deserve.
I remind myself of this fact often, and after so many nights of being consumed by the feelings I associate with “the wrong kind of love,” I have come to think of the many things that bring me the exact opposite sensations: coming home to a house full of my best friends, phone calls with my mom on the way to class, seeing my dog on breaks, cooking with my grandfather, traveling the world, movies, long baths, reading, storytelling, sleeping in on the weekends, and so so so much more. Love is all around you, it is infinite, it is strong, it is kind, and everyone deserves to experience it in its most genuine and authentic form.
Image: Julia Bonnano
