The Secondhand-Toxic Relationship
November 8, 2023
Writer: Anonymous
Editor: Alena Miklosovic
My brother and I had always been close. He would come to me when he was struggling, and I always gave the right advice to remedy the situation. That is, until he met her.
He spent all of his time with his new girlfriend. When he went to practices and games, she watched. When he got out of class, they would meet up. When she got off work, he picked her up. They spent all of their free time together. At first, I thought they seemed cute, like “two peas in a pod.” But a good big sister always finds out the truth.
Energy started draining from my brother’s body. At night, I heard her crying and yelling over the phone, and the next day his eyes would be red and puffy. He would get home and immediately collapse, hardly speaking to me or my family. Yet every time I tried to give him advice, he would turn away from me.
I scrutinized her every action: I noticed how she always joked about his body — acne, teeth, muscles, etc. I noticed her teasing about how unattractive, lazy, girly, childish, or weak he was. I noticed her ridiculous double standards about his friends, family, and free time. But mostly, I noticed that his laugh and smile had faded. My happy and free-spirited brother was wasting away, yet he didn’t even try to fight it.
I attempted to stand up for him like I thought a big sister should. When she came over, I was cold and passive-aggressive towards her. I refused to invite her to events I had planned with my brother, using the precious time to lecture him about their relationship. In response, she retaliated. She made plans with him on the few days I was home, and got distant and moody at every family event until they left together. She even ordered him to make up lies about why he couldn’t do things with me. And he did exactly what she said.
I grew frustrated — not just at her, but with my brother, too — as I disappeared from his life. He was once my closest friend, but now he was lying, ditching, or ignoring me completely. One day, he canceled plans at the last minute to see her, and I exploded in anger. I shouted, saying that he always did what she wanted and was never there for me. Only this time, my brother couldn’t take it anymore and snapped:
“Why don’t you get that I don’t want to hang out with you?!”
And my heart broke.
I just wanted to be a good big sister. I wanted to protect and shelter him from the abuse, to blame everything on her manipulation. In reality, though, relationships are never that simple. My brother struggled before he even met this girl. In the months before their introduction, he went through a major heartbreak, lost several close friends, and lost me as I went to college. For the first time, I realized how alone he must have felt before he met this girl. Their love was toxic, but it was love to him, nonetheless.
And then there was me. Instead of helping him, I pushed his girlfriend away. Instead of being supportive, I tried to make my brother’s decisions for him. It was a secondhand-toxic relationship: I had let our friendship suffocate from the smog of his romance, instead of giving him a chance to breathe.
Though I hated it, I realized that my brother had to work through his relationship on his own, and I had to go back to being his sister. So, I apologized like any sister would: I said sorry, gave him an awkward half-hug, and bought him food.
And we became siblings again. Now, he tells me about all the dumb mistakes he makes, and I prove that I’m no better. We laugh at each other and ourselves. We still argue, but now, it's over the dirty bathroom or how much money he owes me for our dine-in lunches that I secretly love. I tell him about my friends, people who love me unconditionally, and he tells me that he wants friends like mine. So, I let him tag along when I go out. They can be his friends, too.
Before I left for school this year, I found him alone outside. He seemed to be having a hard day. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, and he did. I listened to him. I told him I loved him. He said he loved me too.
And we both took a deep breath of fresh air.
