Tell Me a Story
November 1, 2023
Writer: Deepa Ramesh
Editor: Lexie Meltzer
Life’s true superheroes are our neighbors with wrinkles and gray hair. They understand that to be brave is to wear your smile in the shape of your proudly beating heart. Their littlest conversations feel like gifts wrapped in gold.
However, behind the unforgettable bursts of laughter and endless words of wisdom of these beings is a poignant and profound sense of loneliness.
It is hardly an understatement to say that life fails to provide a healthy outlook on aging. Our television screens love to inundate us with a constant stream of elderly men and women clinging onto their walkers for dear life before toppling to the ground and screaming, “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!” Besides portraying the elderly as constantly dependent on others for their health and safety, we are also guilty of emphasizing aging as an inherently undesirable and frightening concept.
Nowhere is this sentiment more thoroughly echoed than when it comes to memory loss. Just the term “Alzheimer’s” is enough to send our stomachs into knots. The feelings we carry about Alzheimer’s and Dementia are generally more than just perturbations. After all, with the rich, comfortable, and sometimes paradoxical lives we strive to build for ourselves, Alzheimer’s and Dementia appear as the pinnacle of control unraveling from the threads we’ve worked so tirelessly to keep together.
But, as we dwell in our circus of thoughts, a new person has developed dementia. Every three seconds, this abstract disease, once so blissfully distant from the underpinnings of life, becomes a part of someone’s reality (BrightFocus Foundation, “Alzheimer’s Disease: Facts & Figures”).
These moments can act as a lightning rod for disbelief and despondency. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Will my family be ashamed of me? Will I ever be able to smile and laugh again?
Weeks become packed with ElderHelp visits and a steady surge of doctor’s appointments. Your body, once strong and capable, can no longer move with a balanced stride. Your mind, formerly a beehive of activity, struggles with tasks you were once able to do with your eyes closed. Caregivers remain by your side, flashing pained yet pitiful smiles. To you, the message is clear: you have quickly transformed into a burden on someone else’s time. More than anything else, it is hard to feel like a superhero when your life becomes inextricably tied to your medical condition.
However, we need to understand that the lives of people with Alzheimer’s and Dementia do not have to be associated with grief and loss. Their lives are not over; they are changing. Sometimes in upsetting and beautiful ways — just like with our own lives.
As a volunteer trained to do wellness calls for clients with Alzheimer’s and Dementia, I always feel my work is a star that shines with tangible joy I can grab and hold onto. Most of the people I talk to live alone, and they generally do not have specific times in their schedules when someone will come to sit and talk to them. When I call a client, it is not to discuss their health history but to provide socialization and companionship. For many clients, just receiving a simple phone call at a random moment of their day is enough to make them feel that, in this vast and rapidly changing world, someone is thinking about them.
I’ve also realized that for every person I have spoken with, their lives are a mosaic of many different anecdotes — sometimes funny, sometimes tragic, but unequivocally human. In truth, it’s like listening to an audiobook. I could speak with someone who loved traveling to different countries in their youth, and once in a while, they might remember one of those countries. As I listen to what they have to say, I can’t help but feel utterly awe-inspired. This person could probably write an entire novel about their travel experiences!
Similarly, every person I’ve spoken with has led a deeply fulfilling life, and when we listen to the stories of someone else’s rich experiences, our lives become enriched as well.
But importantly, and most often forgotten, people with Alzheimer’s and Dementia are social beings. Asking them to recall old times is not only therapeutic for their brains but also for their souls. Many are highly aware of their memory issues and sometimes fall into the trap of constantly ruminating over their feelings of loss and grief. Even if these phone calls only last a short time, the simple act of making someone feel wanted for fifteen minutes or half an hour can plant seeds of joy that can blossom for an entire day.
Don’t get me wrong, there are still some obstacles that come with these phone calls. Since people with Alzheimer’s and Dementia struggle to remember certain things, they tend to repeat what they do remember over and over again, which can lead to monotonous, repetitive conversations. But, sometimes, the best way of providing happiness doesn’t come from the words you say but by simply being present. Listening for the sake of listening is a skill that we all can improve on. By doing this, we can cultivate better relationships with our families, friends, elders, and even strangers.
I know once I end a call with a client, it is unlikely they will remember who I am when I call next week. However, there is always something so beautiful about meeting someone for the first time and knowing that through their little actions, they care about you and want to hear you speak. Being that person for them, the one who listens to their thoughts and stories with the undiluted joy of hearing something new for the first time again is the greatest act of service.
Many people view volunteer work and speaking with their elders as a chore. But both can be the best therapy for a stressed mind if done with the right perspectives. After all, how many pills are out there that can simultaneously help two people?
Sources:
BrightFocus Foundation. (n.d.). Alzheimer’s Disease: Facts & Figures. https://www.brightfocus.org/alzheimers/article/alzheimers-disease-facts-figures#:~:text=Age%20is%20the%20greatest%20risk,and%20older%20have%20Alzheimer’s%20dementia.
Image: Julia Bonnano
