“If I gave you less, would you want me more?”
February 26, 2024
Writer: Cameron Bell
Editor: Natalia Pinto
After losing everything following the death of my father, including friends I used to know, and individuals whom I believed would be in my life forever, I no longer had confidence that being me was enough and convinced myself that I was the problem. Realistically, that was not the case, and I wish I could tell my thirteen-year-old self that. But, at the time I internalized their abandonment to be my fault. In that case, the only thing I felt I had to do was change to prevent others from leaving me too.
I no longer felt comfortable in my skin and my mind could not make sense of why everyone around me left me when I needed them the most. In trying to understand how my life changed overnight, I concluded that nobody appreciated me for me, so I had to be someone else.
With friends, I worked overtime to have them believe that I was fine when in reality, I should have never had to pretend to be okay with people who were supposed to be my support system. I concealed my mental illness, struggling in silence while putting on a fake smile in public. I tried so desperately to be like everyone around me. After all, I was just a thirteen-year-old girl who had her world flipped upside down. I was ostracized almost immediately after the death of my father from friends at school which made me hate the world and consequently, myself. This resentment towards myself made me a chameleon in social settings. I wanted to please everyone around me, even at the expense of my authenticity, something I once prided myself on.
This manifested not only in female friendships but in romantic relationships as well. From one toxic relationship to the next, I found myself constantly belittling myself to be palatable to those around me. In doing so, I was with men who did not respect or love me for me, but rather never truly knew who I was as I was continuously too worried about pleasing them. As a result of this, I was mistreated and not understood for the complexities that made me, me. In my romantic relationships specifically, I made it my mission to not show my mental struggles. Thus, I felt like I was a completely different person with these men than without. I would go home and cry in silence and solitude, too scared to show those around me I was hurting because I did not want to be a burden.
All of this being said, I can assure you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel because there was one for me, even when I thought the darkness was perpetual.
When I came to Michigan, I decided that I no longer wanted to live in my shadow. I thought to myself “Life is simply too short.” One day, I turned on one of my favorite songs “I Burned LA Down” by Noah Cyrus and it clicked. The song uttered, “If I gave you less, would you want me more?” I finally heard Noah.
With this newfound mindset, I finally felt comfortable in my skin. I embraced every aspect of myself and finally realized that this is what made me whole. To my surprise, people gravitated towards me in a way I had never experienced before. From eating lunch alone in the bathroom just a few days after losing to my dad, to being surrounded by people who actively loved me for all my quirks made me feel exhilarated. I felt as though I finally found my place and my people. With my new friends, I was able to speak freely about all chapters of my life and the intricacies that made me the girl they gravitated toward.
Through it all, I learned one lesson: I need to stay true to myself. Once I finally stopped revealing less of myself in hopes that people would want me more I started to live a fulfilling life. When I started to appreciate and learn to love myself again, I realized I deserved more and would not settle for less than that. Since then, I have felt joy in a way I thought was never possible.
