The Things We Talk About When We Talk About Life
October 20, 2023
Author: Zoe Sinkford
Editor: Haley Gagerman
There are things we talk about when we talk about life. We talk about love and all of its forms. We talk about all of the people and places and memories that have carved us into who we are. We talk about passion, and joy, and art. We picture the faces of our friends and family, who make us feel more like ourselves with every breath we take near them. What we don’t talk about, what we are scared to face, is how deeply all of that love, passion, and joy can hurt.
Nobody talks about the brutality of being alive. We don’t talk about how we had to crawl through fire and breathe in the chemical fumes of other people’s expectations to become the people we are. We are scared to put the messy, the angry, the fearful fragments of ourselves out there for others. If we can pretend that we aren’t messy, or angry, or fearful, we can pretend that we haven’t been hurt.
However, life can hurt. The best way to get past this hurt and break life down into more manageable bites is by talking to other people. We need those conversations as outlets for all of the social expectations that are thrust upon us as we enter adulthood. In our teenage years, we gain a new sense of consciousness regarding the world around us, as well as our place in it. We start to feel things like shame for existing simply as we are. We have the overwhelming fear of being “too much” and “too hard to handle.” We have the impossible task of being perfect yet still relatable, of being assertive without being aggressive, of being a leader without being a bitch, of speaking your truth but not too loudly, of creating a presence for ourselves without pushing others into the shadows. We have the impossible task of being ourselves, when it seems as though everyone else wants us to be perfect.
I’ve managed to find a way to appreciate this pain, but I didn’t do it alone. I wouldn’t have become the woman I am without my friends– my foundation, my lifeline. There is so much power in strong female friendships. Arguably, some of the most genuine forms of love are between friends, for friends can see you at your worst and still say, “Yes, you are a mess. And yes, I still love you.” But female friendships aren’t only sweet and full of dreams. Claws and teeth protect them. I’ve fought with my friends; I’m not a fan of some of their choices. Female friendships, as beautiful and raw as they are, can be ugly.
But the thing is, people can be ugly, and we know this. So we forgive, we love tooth and nail, forever. We see each others’ anger, jealousy, and pride and take them into our arms and squeeze. We love those broken pieces back together or stick by your side until you put the pieces together yourself. Our love hurts- but in the best way, because it is honest and real and from a place of compassion. We aren’t afraid to talk to each other, and we aren’t afraid to be open with one another because we care about how our friends will respond — Not in a way that makes us slaves to other people's opinions, but in a way that demonstrates how much care and respect we have for each other.
I recently had a conversation with my friends about what we have learned from past friendships or relationships. I figured that the best way to learn how my friends think about life would be to ask about the people they have chosen to be in their lives. Among the responses that I received, one central theme rang true: friendships are lessons. Through conversations and sharing our lives, our friends teach us about love and respect; they teach us to accept what we deserve.
A dear friend I have known for almost eight years told me that her friends have taught her how to be a better, more considerate individual. What I thought was particularly notable was her telling me that she doesn’t think she “could have learned that lesson without them.” Another very close friend of mine told me that she had learned a lot about life and different perspectives through her friends, “I’ve learned that sometimes we all learn the same lessons in different ways, sometimes in very brutal ways... I’ve learned a lot about humanity through other people.”
I think conversations like this are what keep us going. Conversations where we tell each other that we love each other, conversations where we share our pain and reach out knowing that someone will reach back, are what keep us sane. We need each other, and we need to talk about everything that life has to offer - even the things that hurt.
To live is to love. To live is to be scarred. These are the inevitable promises of being alive. However, to live is also to heal. Through powerful friendships and endearing connections, we never stay broken, not for too long. We get back up, and keep breathing, trying to navigate the labyrinth of being human. And how beautiful it is that we walk our path of victory, success, and loss- and still reach out to others to help them through the maze, too. How beautiful is it that we persist, that we survive, and constantly help others along the way.
