Live Like Eileen
April 8, 2024
Writer: Alanna Madry
Editor: Chava Makman
There is something unique about the grief that comes from an unexpected passing. One that makes your entire body feel cold with shock, and steals all words from your vocabulary aside from “I’m still in shock”.
On January 27th, 2024 at 5:00PM I was at an 80’s in Aspen themed party talking to Eileen’s friends about how lucky I feel to have her as my grandbig, how I cannot wait to have her as a big sister forever, and how much we all love her. On January 27th, 2024 at approximately 9:00PM my best friends told me that Eileen died skiing in Aspen. On January 27th, 2024 I walked aimlessly around the sorority house that Eileen once graced, wailing, too panicked and unbalanced to sit down, feeling removed from my body as the sounds of sobs radiated through the house.
While grief is unique to all who experience it, I can say with utter confidence that the heartbreak I have experienced from the sudden loss of my friend Eileen is nowhere near distinct to just me. Her incredible parents, beautiful siblings, extensive list of loving cousins, St. Joan of Arc, Loyola, and University of Michigan families, and the strangers who were lucky enough to be in Eileen’s presence even for a moment (including the famous Tinx, Eileen’s favorite influencer), will be learning how to live a life without Eileen in it for years to come. Eileen had an impressively profound impact on every community she was a part of without even trying. By being effortlessly herself in every room she walked into during her 22 years on earth, she ensured that in her absence, each and every one of those rooms will feel eerily empty as long as she is gone.
Quite alternatively though, a remarkable characteristic about Eileen that I have become especially confident in since her passing, is her permanence. Eileen lived so vibrantly and passionately that I am convinced it overflowed out of her body and into the atmosphere, regenerating into a golden aura. When I find myself in typical Eileen locations, I look for that golden aura and it reminds me of the radiance she exuded. I see it in big places like her room in 733 Oakland, and little things like Sava’s sweetie fries; Eileen lived so brightly that not even in death could her aura dissipate.
To “Live Like Eileen” cannot be defined by one thing because Eileen was not defined by one thing. In fact, it was many seemingly contradictory qualities that embodied the beautiful complexity that was Eileen. She was joyful even through her struggles, she was the life of every party yet still would have a deep conversation with you in the corner, she was hysterical yet calmingly earnest, she was inexplicably intelligent yet unserious, she was self-deprecating yet self-assured, and most of all, she was deeply empathetic and caring (no contradiction to that).
Eileen was the type of person to never think twice about going out of her way for others, because in her mind it was never out of her way. If you mentioned being nervous or excited for something, she was the first person to follow up and see how it went, never ending the conversation before listening to every detail. Eileen handled every situation with so much grace and charisma that coming to her for advice felt so natural; I always knew that whatever Eileen did was what I wanted to do.
Since her passing I have caught myself time after time almost texting her so she could make me feel better about going out when I have an exam that I am unprepared for, or to calm me down when my anxiety feels too large for me to bear alone. But in her physical absence I find comfort in Eileen’s energy that consistently reminds me how to live like Eileen.
There is a quote that has brought peace to me and the other members of Eileen’s and my lineage during our grief that reads, “How do you process grief? ‘By running from it until it finds me in the middle of a sunny street on a beautiful day.’” Since January 27th, 2024, my running has ever so slightly begun to slow from a full sprint to a jog. Life without Eileen will always feel impossible, however beautiful days remind me of the golden aura that still wraps around all those who loved Eileen. To live like Eileen is to love, be loved, and spread love. It is to never say no to your friends when they propose an adventure, big or small. It is to be so completely authentically yourself that it encourages those around you to let down their guard and expose their vulnerable selves. To live like Eileen is something that is both gut wrenching and heartwarming, because it means that without Eileen to do so, we must continue to live like her ourselves.
