My Philosophy on Forgiveness
February 15, 2023
Author: Zoe Sinkford
Editor: Lauren Cuppy and Keara Keelty
A couple of weeks ago, I was assigned to read and respond to the article “What Too Little Forgiveness Does to Us” by Timothy Keller. Throughout the article, Keller discusses the importance of forgiveness spiritually, mentally, and physically. As soon as I began reading this article, I started questioning my own idea of forgiveness. I wondered, “how many times have I actually forgiven someone for hurting me?” I realized that the amount of times I told someone I forgave them was much higher than the amount of times I have genuinely forgiven someone. As I continued reading the article, there was one specific phrase that stuck out to me:
“Forgiveness does not contradict the pursuit of justice.”
Keller essentially asserts that if you forgive someone for hurting you, justice and fairness can still be gained. My interpretation of this line is that, by forgiving someone, you are not just letting them off the hook for the crimes they committed or the pain they caused you, but instead, you are carving the path for justice. Without forgiveness, and recognition of the actual act(s) that transpired, that other person won't be able to redeem themselves to you or anyone else. However, this only works when honesty is also involved — if the perpetrator is not honest with themself (meaning they cannot see if they caused harm) or if you choose to blindly forgive without acknowledging the gravity of the scenario, then genuine forgiveness cannot be granted.
For forgiveness to accurately be enacted and maintained, we must be "honest internally" and externally; we must be honest with ourselves about how badly we are hurt or angered by a situation. Further, we must articulate this clearly, so as to flesh out all corners of the dispute. I think a more accurate phrase, then, could be that a “lack of honesty’’ contradicts the pursuit of justice. I intentionally chose “lack of honesty” instead of “lying” because, while not being honest and lying flow in similar veins, they are different. Lying is a deeper, more intentional, derivative of a lack of honesty, which is why when somebody hides the truth from us it hurts.
It can be difficult to define when forgiveness is appropriate due to the unique nature of every conflict and experience. Every argument or fight has multiple perspectives from every person involved, let alone the opinion of an outsider who wants to dictate your behavior or emotional response. I think only the person doing the forgiving can determine whether it is appropriate, or not, to give it. Someone outside of the circumstance, even if they have been told what occurred, will not know the dynamics and objective truth of the scenario.
When asked if forgiveness is a good thing or not, I think most of us would say: “yes, it’s a good thing.” Here, the term “good” is something that reduces the hurt as possible; the “hurt” discussed is relevant to both you and the person you are forgiving. If you tell someone you forgive them when you really don’t (when you are still hurting inside), the goodness of that forgiveness cancels out. Although that other person feels a sense of relief, you don’t. As such, forgiveness at that moment might not be the best choice. For as long as I can remember, I have been told to “forgive and forget.” When we are children, we learn about forgiveness with the implication that we should always give it. Thus, it makes sense that accepting someone’s apology can begin to feel automatic. In such a manner, we are almost conditioned to forgive.
However, giving forgiveness because you feel you have to, or simply when you do not truly want to, can set you up for failure later on. Forgiveness granted without a second thought can cause you to form a cycle of poor relationships. Therefore, you might end up allowing yourself to be consistently treated unfairly without demanding or expecting change. In this manner, fake forgiveness can potentially be more detrimental than not forgiving at all.
In my own life, I try to follow the “forgive but don’t forget” philosophy. I think that forgiving without forgetting can help you set personal and emotional boundaries. If you forget what people have done to you, or what you have gone through in the past, you may not ever learn what you really want in a friend or significant other in the future. When we are given the chance to forgive someone, we should always try and question whether we genuinely forgive them. To me, forgiveness is the ability to accept that someone else has hurt you, and also to release the anger that you may hold for that person. Forgiveness should not be given just because someone asks for it, or because you are told that forgiveness should be given freely. I believe that the most genuine type of forgiveness may not even need to be expressed to the other person; when you can recognize how someone has hurt you or how you were involved in the conflict, you are ready to forgive and let go of the pain and anger.
Forgiveness is an internal concept, meaning the person who benefits the most is the one who chose to forgive in the first place. Personally, negative emotions take a physical toll: they increase my stress levels and also disrupt my sleep schedule. So, when I think about forgiveness, I use it to let those negative emotions go.
We are all unique, and because of this, we all handle our emotions differently. We have different beliefs and philosophies, including how we choose to forgive others. Reading Thomas Keller’s article challenged me to think about my philosophy on forgiveness. Understanding how to cope with these emotions allows you to maintain personal and emotional boundaries that will, for the lack of a better word, “protect your peace” in the long-run (Shoutout Caroline Tully for introducing me to the phrase “protect your peace”).
