Befriending Your Shadow
February 17, 2023
Author: Chloe Sinel
Editor: Carolyn Berryman
Close your eyes and think back to a time when you felt inferior. A time when you were ashamed and embarrassed of yourself.
I learned this exercise after watching Stutz, where psychiatrist Phil Stutz shares the tools he has developed throughout his career.
When I do this exercise, I’m presented with the image of 9 year old Chloe. She is pudgy around the middle, with grown out bangs that don’t quite hit her forehead right, and buck teeth from sucking her thumb for too long. She’s shy and quiet, letting others take what’s hers and not raising her hand in class. Not to mention, she’s also wearing glow-in-the dark crocs and a Minecraft shirt.
Whatever image you conjured is your shadow self. Say hi to them!
We spend our lives hiding and avoiding our shadow self— oftentimes even refusing to acknowledge them as a part of ourselves due to the shame we feel that this was once us, or that this will always be a part of us.
Our shadow selves affect us more than we realize. We put our energy into hiding this part of ourselves we deem shameful— our past self that we felt was too embarrassing for others to accept, or the personality traits we feel people could never love about us.
In social situations, I find that I give 9 year old Chloe more power than I realize. I get caught in my head and insecure or I overtalk in an ode to counter the shyness of my shadow self. Without realizing it, not befriending my shadow gives them more power in the present, and keeps me stuck in this old belief pattern.
While we can go our whole lives refusing to acknowledge this version of ourselves, your shadow self is a part of who you are, and they deserve to be acknowledged.
There is power in befriending your shadow. In looking your shadow in your eyes and saying you may not feel like the world accepts you, but I accept you. Try it. When I first looked 9 year old Chloe in the eyes and began to acknowledge her as a true part of me, I felt lighter and more free.
Give your shadow a voice. Talk to them. Tell them about your life, ask them whether they feel represented in your life, let them talk back to you.
Shame and embarrassment are perhaps the most vulnerable feelings we experience as humans. While the vulnerability of shame makes it an isolating feeling, the irony is everybody experiences shame, and everybody has a shadow self.
Don’t hide your shame, give it a seat at the table.
If you take anything from this, let it be that if you’ve ever worn glow-in-the dark crocs and a Minecraft shirt, you are still worthy of love (and you look pretty sick).
