Playing Your Cards Right
October 17, 2022
Author: Zoe Sinkford
Editor: Lynn Sabieddine
I have never liked the concept of “cuffing season.” My issue with “cuffing season?” - no one attempts to explain the best way to go about getting “cuffed” in the first place. I decided to look into the strategy of playing “hard-to-get” when dating to see if it would be useful in finding a prospect for “cuffing season.” Using information I have observed and learned about romantic relationships in my classes and beyond, I put the popular tactic of playing “hard-to-get” to test.
A couple weeks ago during my Abnormal Psychology class, my professor taught us about operant conditioning, in which there are four different types of conditioning: positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, positive punishment, and negative punishment. If the outcome of the conditioning causes the desired behavior to increase, then it is categorized as ‘reinforcement;’ if the desired behavior decreases, then it is categorized as ‘punishment.’
I also learned about reinforcement schedules. Irregular reinforcement schedules are why addictions such as gambling, specifically slot machines, are so difficult to quit. There is an aspect of gambling, where the “gambler” becomes fixated on the unknown rewards that they could win each game. The variability of receiving a cash prize increases certain persons' need to keep playing.
A few weeks later, in a Psychology of Social Relationships class, I began learning about “playing hard-to-get” while dating. Immediately, I saw a link between gambling and playing hard-to-get. I figured that the same addictive quality of an unknown reward in gambling can be also seen in “playing hard-to-get” with a prospective romantic partner.
When you ‘play hard-to-get’ in an attempt to gain attention or attraction from someone, you are introducing an unknown reward to the equation. This unknown reward could be a conversation, a drink at a bar, or sex. I recently read an article about this idea and learned that this uncertainty can arouse and even motivate us to pursue the person playing hard-to-get (Dai et al., 2014). This led me to think about the reinforcement style associated with playing hard-to-get. The transaction of playing hard-to-get could be considered a form of positive reinforcement; flirting with another stranger would be the addition of a positive external stimulus to encourage and increase the flirtatious behavior of the person being flirted with. Acting hot and cold with someone of romantic interest, irregular reinforcement, can sometimes lead to that other person wanting you more than they initially did.
However, while turning your interest in the other person “on” and “off” may increase their wanting of you, it does not necessarily increase their liking of you. During the hot and cold game you played with this other person you made them want you more in the present, but they may not like you more in the future (Dai et al., 2014). In a future relationship, being considered ‘hot and cold’ may lead to a lack of trust and a sense of uneasiness in your partner.
The most nerve-wracking and exciting segment of being in a relationship is the beginning, so it makes sense that at the beginning - everything is new, and the only thing you are completely certain of is that you generally find your partner attractive and enjoy spending time with them. So, I can rationalize a little bit of fear in revealing who you are. It’s incredibly frightening to expose yourself, especially to people whose opinions you care about. Unfortunately, I feel as though dating in the 21st century takes advantage of that fear. I have noticed that it is often used as an excuse to avoid commitment, and to initiate “situationships” and flings instead. There’s less room for error if you have not established a connection with someone else. It leaves you with room to fail. There are positive correlations between how many meaningful relationships someone has, and mortality rates. We need to be loved, so why do we struggle trying to find it?
Ultimately, I have deduced that playing ‘hard-to-get’ may be useful in garnering someone’s attention, but may not be a successful approach to forming a romantic relationship with them. Playing ‘hard-to-get’ employs tactics similar to those used to encourage gambling, so it may be useful to remember that it can lead to negative outcomes as well. If you are looking for a genuine romantic relationship, being upfront and honest about your attraction is most likely the best route to take, regardless of how frightening it is to give someone else the opportunity to love you.
References:
Brown, R. I. (1986). Arousal and sensation-seeking components in the general explanation of gambling and gambling addictions. International Journal of the Addictions, 21(9-10), 1001–1016. https://doi.org/10.3109/10826088609077251
Dai, X., Dong, P., & Jia, J. S. (2014). When does playing hard to get increase romantic attraction? Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143(2), 521–526. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0032989
