The Axis of Grief and Guilt
February 21, 2024
Writer: Anonymous
Editor: Lily Hutchinson
Going into my sophomore year of college, I knew my mom was going through a difficult time despite putting on a positive face for the rest of the family. That year was filled with frequent trips between her respective homes, making visits to see her dad. It was a week before school started, as I sat in Ann Arbor when my mom called, announcing she abruptly had to make a trip home. While this had become a rather recurring experience, it quickly became apparent that this was a final trip home. Having little experience with loss at this point in my life, outside of the passing of a great-grandparent during high school, I struggled to make sense of my feelings. To put it simply, I was devastated, though I struggled to place that sadness. I was hurting for my mom, of course, the superhero-like figure who seldom showed her pain. Outside of shedding a tear over a sad or heartwarming scene in a film or show, her composure never faltered. As the semester progressed and her father passed, she insisted that I stay at school so as not to fall behind. I am sure there is an aspect of wanting to shelter your children from the harsh realities of being human. This led her to conceal her grief, leading me to feel guilty about having feelings of loss.
Reconciling with loss is difficult, especially when you can appreciate how much more challenging it can be for others with closer proximity. Conversely, this comparison of grief is a trap, in which one can torment themselves just for feeling. It is important to recognize that feelings are arbitrary and, in times of grief especially, valid. Reflecting on complex feelings does not need to make sense, but it does not have to endlessly agonize. Similarly, diminishing your feelings through comparison may temporarily distance yourself from feeling hurt, but it only ends up delaying them. Taking the time to check in with yourself can be a valuable way to identify a path forward, while still making space to process. Learning to exist with grief, while continuing to live for yourself, does not make you a selfish person. It is human to feel little control over the world around you, which can be disorienting and discouraging, but it is essential to remember that we always have ourselves.
When you experience loss, foreseen or sudden, take the needed time to process it without completely isolating yourself. It is easy to be convinced that no one around you can understand what you are experiencing, but talking with others can be a helpful way to make sense of your feelings. Journaling or writing can also help you process how to move forward. Healing from loss is not a linear process, but it is akin to putting one foot in front of the other. Be kind to yourself and keep your heart open so that you can continue to live in a way that serves you.
