Comfort in CTRL
December 11, 2023
Writer: Amelia Diaz
Editor: Morgan Millstein
“That is my greatest fear
That if, if I lost control
Or did not have control
Things would just, you know
I would be fatal”
(SZA, “Supermodel”, CTRL, Top Dawg, 2017).
One of my favorite questions to ask is, "Who's your favorite artist?" A seemingly simple, yet somehow complex inquiry into someone's character. For me, music is telling of identity, experiences, and interests. My favorite artist is SZA, and I’d say my connection to her CTRL album is representative of just this.
I was never the laid-back sibling. In fact, I was, and still am, the farthest thing from it. I am a middle child and grew up always being the one mediating arguments, making rules, or getting frustrated with my siblings for being so careless. Even with the made-up games we’d play, I would often switch around rules and argue with my siblings about their ideas. It wasn't until I was satisfied with the situation that we could begin. My siblings would fuss about me being so uptight, but it never bothered me; and, since I never seemed to be in trouble for behaving this way, I continued. As I grew older, the need to manage aspects of my life was exacerbated by the fact that my siblings were not in control of theirs.
By her second year of middle school, my older sister started developing a dislike for school, and it became progressively evident at home through her arguments with our parents. Being only a year behind her in school, I understood my sister's struggles as a signal to avoid encountering similar ones of my own. So I made sure I knew the dates of my school events, did my homework, and hardly ever asked for help. Naturally, my parents applauded me for doing well in school and being so organized, and I, too, felt proud because I was in control of my life.
My life stayed constant for the following years and well into my high school career: I was always on top of my work, hardly missed a practice, and kept good relationships with my friends and family. My commute to school was soundtracked by CTRL, and while I listened to SZA sing about her challenges with gaining control over her life, I felt content that I had managed to gain control over mine.
When I applied to the University of Michigan, I applied to a degree program that would give me a gap semester following high school graduation, but I had no intent of actually getting in, let alone committing. I sort of just did it for fun and to give my mother the impression that I applied to ample schools. I was shocked that I got in, and even more so that I actually committed.
It wasn't “the plan” I had always envisioned, but a gap semester held the promise of excitement, which I couldn't say I necessarily felt for any of my other options at the time. My semester was spent traveling, working, and spending time with my family, but was also filled with feelings of regret, anxiety, and an enormous lack of control. It was the first time in my life that I was left without structure. I was visiting countries I’d never been to and meeting new people while simultaneously scrolling through social media and feeling like all the decisions I had made were derailing my track. Besides, with all of my friends away at school, I really did feel like I had lost everything familiar to me. I couldn’t even listen to CTRL without thinking that, just mere months prior, I had it all in my control.
It is uncomfortable to grow, but one thing I've come to understand is that growth was the sole constant during my semester off. Being in control of your life does not have to mean remaining stagnant, but rather is about adapting to situations, pursuing new goals, and prioritizing well-being. Change is good — in retrospect, I wouldn't have done anything differently. If anything, my gap semester allowed me to learn to let go of my uptight nature and, just like CTRL suggests, embrace the freedom to live life on your own terms.
